You Must Try the Tongue; It’s Painfully Delicious

I tried to eat my tongue.

Well, not exactly.

I worked from home yesterday and around a quarter to noon the beginnings of a headache informed me that calories – preferably from carbs and lots of them – were required in short order. So I trundled upstairs to reheat some dirty rice left over from the previous evening’s dinner. While the microwave went to work on the rice-n-meatbits, I poured some French dressing over a couple handfuls of salad-in-a-bag and popped the top on a Pepsi.* I was enjoying a complete meal inside two minutes. Technology rocks!

Now, maybe I didn’t realize how famished I was and underestimated the extent to which my hunger would become manifest. Or perhaps the speed of preparation put me in some kind of subliminal race mode. Slightly less feasible, but nevertheless intriguing, is the theory that something in my subconscious – some latent, carnal sliver of my id, perhaps – decided a little fresh tongue meat and a splash of O-positive would really jazz up a classic New Orleans dish.

Whatever the reason, the result was… unpleasant. First of all, Cajun food is salty enough as it is. Secondly, it’s jambalaya that has two kinds of meat, not dirty rice. Last but not least, biting a chunk out of the side of your tongue really freaking hurts!

When I was young and I’d complain about some minor injury such as, say, cracking my head open on the pavement, my grandmother would deadpan, “I could cut off the tip of your pinky. Make you forget about the pain in your noggin.” Seemed pretty snarky, but I’m here to tell you her logic was completely sound. Chomping off 6% of my tongue caused me to immediately lose all awareness of my headache. Poof. Just like that.

Things I learned from this experience:

I learned that tongue-biting is the absolute worst of the Minor Injuries because pain doesn’t alleviate my appetite and so I’m left hurting and hungry.

I learned that even though everyone has bitten their tongue before, their empathy doesn’t do a damn thing to stop the throbbing.

I learned that cold really helps soothe a bleeding tongue and that water or milk are better suited to this task than carbonated beverages such as Pepsi.

I learned that, even despite my relatively high threshold of pain, the pros of having one’s tongue pierced can’t possibly outweigh the cons.

Finally, I learned that working from home beats the hell out of going in to the office, even if you suffer a bloody mouth injury.

*Yeah, yeah, I prefer Coca-Cola, too, but Pepsi’s currently using real sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup, so there you go.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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13 Responses to You Must Try the Tongue; It’s Painfully Delicious

  1. Lauri says:

    Ooo. Aaaah. OUCH! Aside from the pain, there is always that horrible "crunch" that you feel and hear just milliseconds before the pain and blood start. Owwww. Very sorry for your pain.Whoa…I prefer Coke, too, but the news about the sugar is interesting!

  2. Rachel says:

    I guess telling you I've been there won't help, so I'll move on to saying I prefer Pepsi, actually, but I quit soda because of the corn syrup, however, if what you say is true, perhaps I could imbibe, just a little bit.

  3. Kirk says:

    "I prefer Pepsi, actually, but I quit soda because of the corn syrup, however, if what you say is true, perhaps I could imbibe…"Be sure to check the ingredients, Rachel. Some cans say "sugar or high-fructose corn syrup" in which case it's still a toss-up. Another good idea is to stock up during Hannukah when Coke and Pepsi are cranking our Kosher pop, if they even still do this, that is. (Kosher dietary laws prohibit the consumation of high-fructose corn syrup, from what I understand.)

  4. Jay says:

    Ow. Even worse than Fuzzy Tongue is Hurty Bloody Balloon Tongue. Eee.And there is a kind of crunchy noise too…like you're biting into a wet leather belt. Um…that's alive.And attached to you.

  5. Lauri says:

    Gaaaa…I repeat….OWW!

  6. Kirk says:

    Ugh! I wish I'd have thought to mention the crunching sound! It's an important factor to take into account. The sound that echoes through your head is indeed quite disturbing and definitely jacks up the cringe-factor.

  7. Venus says:

    This is another post where it seems odd to check off "This is good." It is most definitely not good, in terms of content anyway. Ow ow ow.Helpful Venus hint: Real vanilla (not the fake chemically shit) is a natural numbing agent. I used to use it on cankor sores all the time, dabbing on with a q-tip. There is also a crappy tasting medicinal mouthwash that is a righteous anti-infection aid (unlike the very minimal anti-bacterial ingredients in Listerine and its confreres) … it is called Steri/Sol. Again, this learned from years prone to cankor sores. Which, thankfully, I am no more.

  8. Budd says:

    So, the carbonation stings? I prefer pepsi, but I drink diet. Diet wild cherry Pepsi is the zero calorie nector of the gods. I am unsure of the corn syrup content though. Wikipedia to the rescue: Diet Pepsi does not contain High fructose corn syrup unless it falls under natural flavors.

  9. Essy says:

    I was just searching Vox for "unintentional vampirism" and I came upon your post! You are something else! Turning such an ordeal into a conversational masterpiece. I love the internet.

  10. Marque says:

    Oh, Kirk. You need to check in and read my last post. What is with our tongues today? I am sitting here now with my tongue throbbing (literally, throbbing like old Flintstones cartoons).Guess there will be no French kissing in our near future, huh? I am taking the suggestion above and trying some vanilla.

  11. Bizz says:

    the same goes for stubbing a toe. You know that it hurts but you can't possibly fathom how potentially devistating a stubbed toe can be until you once again walk too close to the bed frame! I have completely fallen to the ground due to the quick/extreme pain caused from a stubbed toe. I would almost rather break an arm!

  12. Sol says:

    oooooouch!!!! It hurts just to read!! :))))

  13. Real sugar? What's that?I subsist entirely on TaB which lovelingly doses me with large quantities of saccharine daily. Oh, saccharine. How I love you. Even if I must purchase you in paltry little pink six packs.

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