I tried to eat my tongue.
Well, not exactly.
I worked from home yesterday and around a quarter to noon the beginnings of a headache informed me that calories – preferably from carbs and lots of them – were required in short order. So I trundled upstairs to reheat some dirty rice left over from the previous evening’s dinner. While the microwave went to work on the rice-n-meatbits, I poured some French dressing over a couple handfuls of salad-in-a-bag and popped the top on a Pepsi.* I was enjoying a complete meal inside two minutes. Technology rocks!
Now, maybe I didn’t realize how famished I was and underestimated the extent to which my hunger would become manifest. Or perhaps the speed of preparation put me in some kind of subliminal race mode. Slightly less feasible, but nevertheless intriguing, is the theory that something in my subconscious – some latent, carnal sliver of my id, perhaps – decided a little fresh tongue meat and a splash of O-positive would really jazz up a classic New Orleans dish.
Whatever the reason, the result was… unpleasant. First of all, Cajun food is salty enough as it is. Secondly, it’s jambalaya that has two kinds of meat, not dirty rice. Last but not least, biting a chunk out of the side of your tongue really freaking hurts!
When I was young and I’d complain about some minor injury such as, say, cracking my head open on the pavement, my grandmother would deadpan, “I could cut off the tip of your pinky. Make you forget about the pain in your noggin.” Seemed pretty snarky, but I’m here to tell you her logic was completely sound. Chomping off 6% of my tongue caused me to immediately lose all awareness of my headache. Poof. Just like that.
Things I learned from this experience:
I learned that tongue-biting is the absolute worst of the Minor Injuries because pain doesn’t alleviate my appetite and so I’m left hurting and hungry.
I learned that even though everyone has bitten their tongue before, their empathy doesn’t do a damn thing to stop the throbbing.
I learned that cold really helps soothe a bleeding tongue and that water or milk are better suited to this task than carbonated beverages such as Pepsi.
I learned that, even despite my relatively high threshold of pain, the pros of having one’s tongue pierced can’t possibly outweigh the cons.
Finally, I learned that working from home beats the hell out of going in to the office, even if you suffer a bloody mouth injury.
*Yeah, yeah, I prefer Coca-Cola, too, but Pepsi’s currently using real sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup, so there you go.