The Book of Deej, Ch. 2: A Demon Born from Feline Loins

DG

My kitten DG is an incarnation of the devil.

As was alluded to in Chapter 1, the little monster might have been better named "Luci-fur" or maybe "Meow-phestopheles". All cats possess a propensity towards curiosity and mischief, but DG aspires to levels of inquisitive waywardness and misconduct far beyond that of ordinary felines. In fact, it sometimes seems as if he thrives on the very energies created by stress and strife.

If something has been set on the banister, DG will knock it to the floor. If a cardboard box is left out in the open, it will become a scratching post regardless of the value of its contents. If you have ties hanging from the waistband of your sweatpants, the Deej will attack your crotch with all his front claws… and he has extras.

DG is a little demon – a tiny infernal imp who is just too cute to be stopped.

Here are just a few of the ways in which he makes our lives hell:

AquaPussy

Unlike every other cat I have ever known, DG fully enjoys playing in water. This is especially troublesome, since we have two large German Shepherd Dogs and are thus required to keep very large bowls full of water lying about the kitchen at all times. The water dishes are about the size of the one in which you see DG casually lounging here at left and he will literally climb into them with all four paws and slosh around until someone stops him or until the bowl is empty.

And because this most often occurs in the middle of the night, woe be unto he who attempts a midnight refrigerator run.

WildCat

The Deej fancies himself a miniature lynx. This means that he will, without so much as a split-second’s warning, dart out from behind a couch and attack your legs and feet. Immediately upon reaching your lower extremities, he will fall to his side and wrap his entire torso around one of your ankles, raking your anklebone with his back claws while simultaneously taking a surprisingly painful bite out of your Achilles tendon. Lifting the affected foot only serves to dangle the little hell-spawn from your ankle, creating even more fiery pain.

Another primal characteristic that emerges in DG from time to time is an intense desire to kill something before he eats it. Because he is not allowed outside and because everything living inside is larger than he is, DG instead determines to kill his kibble before eating it. He will scoop a paw-full of dry cat food out of the dish and bat it around a bit before finally pouncing on a piece and devouring it. Sure, it’s fun to watch; cleaning up afterward… not so much fun.

TechTabby

Everyone in my family has at least one computer. A lot of computers means a lot computer cords. Do I really need to explain further?

Thing is, it’s not just that DG loves playing with anything that is long, thin and bendy; he also hates it when a silly glowing box takes attention away from him for such extended periods. If he wants your attention and you are on the computer, his wicked little mind quickly determines that the most efficient course of action is to start making a meal of the little 'tails' coming of the back. Unfortunately for us all, he is an evil genius. It is quite impossible to get any work done on the PC when an excited tabby has turned the cables into his personal jungle gym.

I could probably go on about this topic all day. Because, honestly, not a day goes by that someone in this house doesn’t come up to me and say, “Your cat is the devil” or “Evil, they name is DG” or “Abaddon spat its most heinous sacrilege hither from the loins of a six-toed tabby and called it by the fourth and seventh letters of the Latin alphabet. May God have mercy on our souls.”

Suffice it to say we sincerely enjoy the times he takes a catnap.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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22 Responses to The Book of Deej, Ch. 2: A Demon Born from Feline Loins

  1. Lurkertype says:

    The Deej is very like unto my TK. Subtract extra clawz and
    kibble-killing, add beating up the larger cat, and you have TK with a
    simple search-and-replace.

  2. Lauri says:

    The Deej and The TK are my heroes! And you know what that means? It means being exactly what you were meant to be! They are living life to the fullest….being the Best Cats Ever!

  3. M says:

    Deej looks like the only cat I ever had. I had her only a few weeks when I was about 10. She was a stray cat that some local boys were tormenting and I dragged her home. I think she was probably already sick when I took her home, but she was the funniest and feistiest little character while we had her.
    Oh, and my brother and I are allergic to cats. So we never got another. 😦

  4. Auds says:

    Hehe never had a cat like that. I have to family cats, the 14 yr old is a cuddley bumpkin and the 9 year old is a diva "i will sit on your lap and growl at you if your disturb my sleep." No trouble makers tho, closest thing to that would be my sister's conure who enjoys launching winged attacks at me and jumping into your bowl of cereal before you're done eating it. Evil avian.

  5. Auds says:

    Damn the inability to edit replies. two* you*

  6. IG says:

    Kirk, I feel as close to you as if you were my own brother. Perhaps you are. Your cat and my devil-rabbit (HRH Princess Indy) could be cousins.

  7. Kirk says:

    I have no idea what you're talking about. >_o

  8. §abba says:

    I am now doing my victory dance. 😀

  9. little miao says:

    oh my, what a kitty! He's adorable and… intense. Killing kibble is very intense.

  10. Marque says:

    [this is adorable] love your pussy. um..cat…your pussy cat. 😉

  11. Dancing Bear says:

    We have the queen of the midnight blood curdling howl. Linda Blair has nothing on Lolo. Truly feral and of the street she makes our lives hell with sneak attacks and often will climb the shower curtain and dive for daddy to join in all the fun. She sits in the tub while i take a shower in the morning. Beelzebuboo Kitty. But, she loves Gully and thinks Tater is her mother so all in all, the torment is only directed at Kevin and myself.

  12. rhino75 says:

    He's cute, I don't care what you say. Here's mine.

  13. lizzy says:

    lol oh man that was so funny. not entirely unfamiliar since i have oriental cats and they are creative little devils too. i had to choose between house plants and cats, and all beautiful things and/or things i value has to be placed high up on a shelf or in the bedroom where cats are not allowed. the cord problem can possibly be solved by getting a tube thing from ikea (don't know if you have an ikea store near you though) that you put cords in. at least you will have one fat cord then and some additional protection. 😉

  14. Cats are not devil spawn, they are angels, and as such they are warriors and agents of god and change, remeber that Lucifer is an angel and you begin to understand the unbridled fury which they are capable of. And we have the gall to think that we have tamed these little angels?!?!

  15. Kirk says:

    "He's cute, I don't care what you say."Oh, I think DG is the cutest thing ever; it's the one thing saves him from any semblance of punishment. :)"Here's mine."He is absolutely adorable, rhino75! Just look at that 'tude! He and the Deej could really do some damage!

  16. Kirk says:

    "And we have the gall to think that we have tamed these little angels?!?!"I have always contended that cats are not domesticated at all. They may have lived in cohabitation with humans for thousands of years, but that doesn't mean they're tamed by any means. They have simply fooled most people into thinking they are domesticated. There is a fine line between angel and demon. DG walks that line so very well, but those ears look more like horns than a halo. 😉

  17. Red Pen says:

    DG rocks! That is the only kind of cat worth having.

  18. Aurielis says:

    I *adore* this post…and all the links I followed as well.
    Is this a trilogy?!

  19. Kirk says:

    "Is this a trilogy?!"Ha! No. The Book of Deej has far more than just three chapters. Heck, new chapters magically appear almost daily.

  20. Lauri says:

    Haha, there have to be at least nine chapters!Lol @ Sabba! Go, girl! 😉

  21. JamesTr says:

    You know why he behaves this way, don't you?
    It's because you didn't properly mother him. Sure you 'pooped' him but you didn't personally finish the job.
    My cat used to climb the door jams in the apartment. They were completely scratched up. She also climbed the artificial Christmas tree and slept in the top. She bent it up so bad, i had to get rid of it. Now she just pees on things.

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