A Dumbass Quiz

Several months ago, I wrote a piece about the necessity of reading and the dire consequences of anti-intellectualism. Earlier today, I ranted about the newest scandal to erupt on Bush's watch. In a time when religious zealotry and political corruption are running amok, it is more important than ever not to be fooled by the falsely pious or the perniciously authoritarian.

It is also more difficult than ever because in this 21st century we have, thanks to our acceptance of unapologetic stupidity, promoted an obtuse simpleton to the most powerful position in the world. When you have a president who can’t tell that the children’s book he’s reading is upside-down and yet has the gall to advise us that “reading is the basics for all learning,”* you start to wonder if it’s not already too late to stop the world from sinking into the mire of stupidity. It’s easy to become discouraged and apathetic when you realize that the man charged with protecting and guiding the United States is so illiterate he asks questions like, “Is our children learning?”**

But, honestly, there is no reason why smart people can’t enjoy this moronic mess. I actually take great pride in the fact that I intellectually dwarf the President of the United States. You should, too.

To that end, I have written up a short quiz based on the activities of my country’s illustrious leader over the last several years. Take the quiz for grins, but realize that the point isn’t to see how closely you followed the incoherent babblings of a witless cowboy-wannabe. The point is to come to a solid understanding of the nature of anti-intellectualism. You can’t be blamed for not keeping close tabs on all of Bush’s blunders, but you can seriously benefit from them, if only due to the health benefits of laughter. I realized some time ago that getting too upset about political depravity was bad for my heart; when I get as ticked off as I was this morning, I need to somehow shift it over to the humorous side.

I hope you find the following quiz enlightening and entertaining and I’d advise you that even if you don’t answer a single question correctly, you’ve still probably got seventy or eighty IQ points on ol’ Dubya just by virtue of the fact that you know words like “pernicious” and "apathetic".

1. In June of 2005, how many “years” of coal did Dubya say we’ve got?

A) 2,500 Years
B) 25,000 Years
C) 250,000 Years
D) 2,500,000 Years
E) 25,000,000 Years
F) None of the above

Answer: F) None of the Above
“Do you realize we’ve got 250 million years of coal?” –June 8, 2205 in Washington D.C.

2. What did President Bush say in a September, 2006 interview with CBS News was one of the hardest parts of his job?

A) Keeping in touch with his personal life and the personal lives of others
B) Getting enough sleep in a day
C) Connecting Iraq to the War on Terror
D) Making time for his wife and dog, oh and his daughters, too
E) Getting enough fiber in his steak
F) None of the above

Answer: C) Connecting Iraq to the War on Terror
“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the War on Terror.” –Sept. 6, 2006 in Washington D.C.

3. What country did George W Bush tell Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi was not always given to a “close relationship” with America?

A) Japan
B) The United States
C) Canada
D) Constantinople
E) California
F) None of the above

Answer: B) The United States
“Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.” –June 29, 2006 in Washington D.C.

4. What major faux pas did President Bush commit on June 14, 2006?

A) Rode his bicycle across a protected Washington garden
B) Fed rice to pigeons while visiting Central Park
C) Mocked a blind reporter for wearing dark glasses
D) Told an off-color joke to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
E) While dining with Chinese President Hu Jintao, put his chopsticks in his mouth and made like a walrus
F) None of the above

Answer: C) Mocked a blind reporter for wearing dark glasses
President Bush: “Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?”
Legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: “I can take them off.”
Bush: “I'm interested in the shade look, seriously.”
Wallsten: “All right, I'll keep it, then.”
Bush: “For the viewers, there's no sun.”
Wallsten: “I guess it depends on your perspective.”
Bush: “Touché.”
–June 14, 2006 in Washingto D.C.

5. What was the topic at hand when Dubya declared himself the “decider”?

A) The leak of Valerie Plame’s CIA status
B) The nation’s crude oil reserves
C) The appointment of John Bolton as UN Ambassador
D) The career of Donald Rumsfeld
E) His love of Ranch dressing over Bleu Cheese
F) None of the above

Answer: D) The career of Donald Rumsfeld
“I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense.” –April 18, 2006 in Washington D.C.

6. What “tool” did President Bush say insurgents in the Middle East were using to spread sectarian violence?

A) Violence
B) Psychological abuse
C) A vast network of weapons arsenals
D) A modified floor jack
E) An abacus
F) None of the above

Answer: A) Violence
“No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that.” –March 22, 2006 in Washington D.C.

7. Which “great state” did Bush say should reach out to people of all walks of life?

A) New York
B) Michigan
C) Washington
D) Florida
E) Baseball
F) None of the above

Answer: E) Baseball
“I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive.” –Feb. 13, 2006 in Washington D.C.

8. In addition to literacy and math, what other area did Dubya claim states needed to show progress in?

A) History
B) Biology
C) Sports
D) Reading and writing
E) Paper maché
F) None of the above

Answer: D) Reading and writing
“We expect the states to show us whether or not we're achieving simple objectives—like literacy, literacy in math, the ability to read and write.” –April 28, 2005 in Washington D.C.

9. During a September, 2004 speech in Erie, Pennsylvania, what did President Bush say he proposed extra funding for in addition to armor, ammunition and fuel?

A) Rations
B) Rain gear
C) Sunscreen
D) Body parts
E) Porn
F) None of the above

Answer: D) Body parts
"That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental—supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel." –Sept. 4, 2004 in Erie, PA

10. Which word did President Bush confuse with “hope” while visiting Fort Benning?

A) Health
B) Hate
C) Hurt
D) Hole
E) “Hoke”
F) None of the above

Answer: B) Hate
“The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with an ideology of hope — an ideology of hate — excuse me — with an ideology of hope." –Jan. 11, 2007 at Fort Benning, GA

*March 28, 2000 in Reston, VA
** January 11, 2000 in Florence, SC

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
This entry was posted in Can I Say Something? and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to A Dumbass Quiz

  1. mariser says:

    very thorough job, Kirk. [golf clap]depressing and funny.

  2. dewitte says:

    Priceless! (and sad at the same time)

  3. IG says:

    great post, kirk (instant favorite) but much too depressing. you'll need to post more kittehs next to cheer us all up. 😦

  4. bouche says:

    I find the more closely I follow him, the more I find myself upset.

  5. Oh dear. I'd say something to the effect of 'thank goodness our leader isn't so stupid', but given that Little Johnny just does everything the First Shrub tells him to my guess is he has to be even more stupid. It's like outsourcing your thinking to a piece of linoleum.

  6. bouche says:

    It's an unfortunate epidemic … I'm sorry our leader some how infected yours 🙂 😉 Kinda funny how he's tried to reach out to us to ask us not to vote for Barack Obama though. 😀

  7. Miz Blo says:

    you know thats the reason I don't watch or read the national news anymore. I end up screaming and people think that I'm crazy.

  8. “Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a
    given that the United States and America would have a close
    relationship.”little bush almost got this one right, if he had just said the Americas, because let me tell you as a North American I am glad when Canada tells little bush to peddle his shit somewhere else because we aren't that stupid. Unfortunately in our last election the masses spoke and we ended up with someone who is that stupid (Stephen "shrub" Harper) I can only hope the opposition will take him down soon.

  9. Bravo.But in fairness, some of the words that Dubya thinks are real I am rather fond of…"Decider" is a great word. I love the concept of "I'm the decider." If this were to come from someone I knew to be more intelligent than Forest Gump, I'd be greatly amused and endeared by it. I'm also rather fond of "Strategery." But again, I know Dubya doesn't realize they aren't real words, which is sad.

  10. Red Pen says:

    So, did you need some serious cheering up when you finished this post? It's funny, but it's a real downer, too. The tags are awesome, by the way.

  11. verbminx says:

    I'm about 99.4 percentile, so I have the infinite "joy" of knowing I'm technically brighter than most US presidents, bar Clinton, who I'm pretty sure is somewhat smarter than me. =/
    But what I have enjoyed about Bush's idiocy is that, as much as we hate that he is indeed the decider, we adopt his lingo everywhere to hilarious effect. I mean that most people I know haven't been able to refer to the internet as anything but "the internets" since Bush came out with that malapropism, and that "the decider" was another instant fave. And spreading the love a little, the phrase "at least I didn't shoot an old man in the face!" is getting a lot of play in these parts. (That whole situation, though… I would have felt more sorry for Whittington if he had been a normal guy minding his own business, rather than a Cheney crony shooting at things.)

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