Photoshop Begs to Differ

I got a kick out of something Ray said in today’s Achewood strip. After Simon Cowell tells him he was never a Nazi skinhead, Ray replies, “Funny how Photoshop disagrees.”

I love that… you know, me being a Photoshop expert and all.

"Funny how Photoshop disagrees."

The implication of that sentence isn’t the least bit subtle: be nice to me or I’ll manufacture so much photographic evidence proving you moonlight as a transvestite hooker that by the time it’s revealed the photos were doctored, the public* will have already picked you clean and moved on to the next future pariah!

The hamster in my head started working that wheel overtime. What an interesting ability to be able to make the president actually look like a chimpanzee. Or put a guy’s head on a woman’s body. The possibilities are endless!

Then it occurred to me that not everyone who is proficient at Photoshop is as nice as I am and that perhaps my friends at VOX would appreciate some guidelines to help them post pictures that won’t make things overly easy for the random vindictive Photoshopper. Hell, it's quite possible that most of you have no idea that by now your likeness has probably been turned into an anthropomorphic fox in some twisted online comic by a very lonely dweeb who calls himself "Phurrysh0p".

So, to be on the safe side when posting pictures of yourself on the ‘net, think very carefully before posting any photos that show you…

…holding up an inanimate object and kissing/licking it.

…in profile with your mouth wide open.

…taking a drink from a water fountain.

…having water (or anything else) sprayed in your face.

…straining your face for any reason.

…buttoning your shirt or pants.

…wearing a Members Only jacket.

…handing money to a woman in thigh-boots and a halter at a truck stop.

…having sex with an inflatable sheep.

If you use these criterion as your Image Posting Yardstick, you’ll make it that much more difficult for people to create posters showing you in a… compromising position, so to speak.

You’re welcome.

*Other words that may be substituted for “the public” include: “your coworkers”, “the parishioners”, and “your wife”.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
This entry was posted in Can I Say Something? and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Photoshop Begs to Differ

  1. lauowolf says:

    A true public service, this.I will watch it.(And maybe stick with the orange)

  2. Damn. There goes half of my Vox photos.

  3. IG says:

    kirk, as I type this you know half your readers are rushing off to photograph themselves with some a damn sheep. we should just run a contest and be done with it. who's got the cutest sheep, huh? winner gets bragging rights and…let's see…a giant fruit basket?

  4. Kevin Wolf says:

    HAHA! Excellent advice, sir, thank you.

  5. Jay says:

    Why did you have to out me Kirk? Crap. I was having so much fun too.

  6. lizzy says:

    *gets ideas*muahaha

  7. What if it's not an inflatable sheep? Is it okay if it is a real sheep? Just curious ^-~

  8. Brown Suga' says:

    LOL I agree! I love 'shopping as well, but I haven't tried out anything evil as yet. 😛

  9. IG says:

    am i the only one here loopy enough (on sudafed today, as it happens) to find this an enticing comic prospect rather than a threat? kirk, i may just send you a suitable photo…I think we all should…just to see what the master is really capable of. 😉

  10. Kirk says:

    Doh! >_<Okay, yeah, I might be a dweeb skilled at photo manipulation, but I am not Phurrysh0p! I imagine him to be much shorter with zits and Cheeto-fingers. So, if you send me your photo, I'd be happy to turn you into a dominatrix or an X-Wing pilot or a vampire……but I refuse to turn anyone into a furry! That's just wrong!

  11. IG says:

    aww. you take all the fun out of it.

  12. MissDLish says:

    Hmmm… I read this after I've posted some pictures of me straining my face in a most unattractive manner. Ah well, too late now! Lol!

  13. §abba says:

    When do I get my centaur picture? Huh? Huh? When when when?

  14. You mean you can Photoshop incriminating images of OTHER PEOPLE!? Man, I've been putting my own face on all those semi-naked bodies twisted into compromising positions. No wonder I keep getting all those weird propositions in my email!

  15. Kirk says:

    Hmm, well, I guess a centaur isn't technically a furry, so I suppose I could bring myself to do it. How much money ya got? ~_^

  16. Kirk says:

    Hey, tehuti, thanks for dropping by!Peeps, if you all haven't checked out tiedyedtehuit's blog, you should. He gots tha mad Photoshop skillz. I was under the impression for a long time that he actually lived in a castle.

  17. kelli says:

    i am lovin' your tags. LOL @ the furries…have you ever heard of "furrykind"? See, those people scare me…and then there are whole other segments of 'fetishes' that are just plain too disgusting to talk about…so i shall most definitely refrain. Because, um…DAMN. *shudder*

  18. devonrex says:

    Does the combination of elements cancel the danger out? For example, hypothetically speaking you know, if I was wearing a Members Only jacket whilst having sex with an inflatable sheep, would I have escaped the dangers of Photoshop manipulation? Purely hypothetical of course.

  19. Kirk says:

    "…if I was wearing a Members Only jacket whilst having sex with an inflatable sheep, would I have escaped the dangers of Photoshop manipulation?"No. See, someone could Photoshop a Member's Only jacket onto the sheep and then suddenly you've gone from completely normal to frighteningly disturbing. Your best bet at that point is to hope you also had your mouth wide open so that maybe people would think you were screaming for help because there was a gun to your head out-of-frame or something. But you're probably going to get known as the one with not one but two Menber's Only jackets!

  20. devonrex says:

    Day-um! It's a tricky business indeed…

  21. IG says:

    oooh, thanks for the clarification. what a lucky escape for me!

  22. Jay says:

    Just hope the sheep's not in thigh-boots and you're not at a truck stop.

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