Because I was born in West Virginia, I endure my share of inbreeding jokes recited in various hyuk-hyuk drawls and rhetorical inquiries regarding my favorite Hee-Haw character*. And although I moved to the west coast when I was only a year old, I must confess that I have been fully educated in the
Toothless Arts Ways of the South.
I am used to words like “commode” and “britches” being used in casual speech. I know the difference between a skillet and a griddle. I understand non-words like “ribey” and I know what “pulling the door to” means. I’m used to people considering potato salad a vegetable dish and I can describe the various distinctions between cornbread and hushpuppies. My mom still has a southern accent, so I'm never too far from my southern roots.
Needless to say, I have developed some pretty solid opinions regarding the South.
NOTE: I’d like to remind folks that I am a humor writer and am not to be taken too seriously when I’m trying to be funny. Please don’t flame me with “OMG NOT ALL SOUTHERNS ARE REDNEX, ASSHOLE!!!!!!” okay? I know this already. My family is living proof of it. Now, that being said…
1. Grits taste like shit. Worse, in fact. I’d rather eat shit than grits. I don’t know a single person who likes them.
UPDATE: Well, I guess now I know lots of people who like them!
2. Larry the Cable Guy is not funny and donning a Git-R-Done baseball cap lowers the wearer’s IQ by forty points.**
3. There is no acceptable excuse for hanging up a confederate flag. It means you are either a racist or a Lynyrd Skynyrd fan and I find both to be quite unforgivable***.
4. Few things look less macho than line dancing.
5. The term “y’all” is simply not acceptable when referring to a single person and y’all need to stop doing it immediately.
Okay, to be fair, I guess I ought to list off a few things I love about the South. I used to visit West Virginia pretty much annually growing up and while I definitely wouldn’t agree with John Denver that it’s “Almost Heaven”, there are definitely some things about it I adore completely.
2. Porch swings.
3. Hot dogs come with meat sauce, standard. You want a dog without sauce, you better order it that way!
5. The word “slaw.”
*Grandpa Jones, but only because I had no idea what to make of the odd feeling I got from looking at Misty Rowe.
**This is no reflection on the rest of the Blue Collar Comedy guys. I think Ron White is a comic genius.
***Okay, fine; Simple Man and Gimme Three Steps are alright songs. You happy now, hick?