White Trash Wish List: Truck Nuts

I’m going to be frank with you. Most humans are, by and large, unworthy of their lofty status in nature. Sure, humans can reason out the pros and cons of going with Buckhorn Beer over Rolling Rock whereas your common sewer rat cannot, but that’s hardly a consolation when you consider that there are still places in the world where people actually enjoy watching cockfights and canings and Jean Claude Van Damme movies.

And just when I start to think I have seen human crudeness and banality from every possible angle, I come across a lovely item like this:

Nuts for Trucks

An entire website. Dedicated to nuts. For trucks.

Look, I get the clever jape – they’re BALLS of STEEL – but the message I get from a guy hanging a pair of testicles from his back bumper is that the truck is his penis. That, or his own balls have been removed and bronzed and now dangle in effigy for all to see. Neither message is all that positive.

I have to say the lipstick mark is a nice particularly tacky touch.

Now, I hate to be prejudicial, but I simply cannot help but make certain assumptions about any guy who is willing to throw down $50 for a steel scrotum and actually thinks it improves the appearance of his vehicle.

I can assume, for example, that he’d love one of these chrome pole-dancing strippers for his antenna. A steal at twenty clams!

Anyway, would you believe that the guy at the grocery store this afternoon with the die-cast genitalia hanging from his SUV got out wearing sandals with socks and a t-shirt depicting a woman in a bikini cavorting with a giant bottle of beer? Wish I had thought to get the name of the fictional brew; I’m sure it would have made the perfect punchline for this post.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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18 Responses to White Trash Wish List: Truck Nuts

  1. arbed says:

    Anyway, would you believe that the guy…ummm, yeswhat a sad, sad product

  2. Auds says:

    I aways have to shake my head in disgust when I see those things – but really, the flesh colored ones they sell are worse.

  3. The Artist D says:

    I find it interesting that the flesh coloured ones are called "biker balls." I'm turned off when I see these dangling from a truck. Since it's already assumed that people (men especially) associate their vehicle size with their penis size and or general man'ness.I still can't get passed the stripper mud flaps. Fuck the nuts. (Hah!)

  4. GinBaby says:

    Flesh-colored ones? That's …just…gross. I have never seen these, I don't think, and I thought I lived in redneck heaven. I'm going to have to start keeping my eyes peeled for these li'l grotesqueries.
    We are devolving as a species, aren't we?

  5. Karin says:

    If you click on the first link there is a description of BRASS ONES!! I can't believe that! I says, "This is 8lbs of brass balls here folks. They don't get any heavier or
    cooler then these. They are unfinished so you'll have to polish them up
    and…EWW! GROSS! Who would want to polish them?

  6. bouche says:

    Reminds me of the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill. Embarrassment on wheels.I used to work at a Pep Boys here. People pay a lot of money to do stupid things to their car.

  7. Rev Stan says:

    For the moment at least, it is a vehicle 'enhancement' that hasn't made it over here. I'm trying to think of something that is as 'nice' but am struggling…

  8. Kaivalya says:

    I was holding myself together pretty well until I saw the Christmas Nuts…anybody got a nutcracker? 😉

  9. sonyaseattle says:

    I see those regularly on a Jeep that takes the same route to work as I do. The driver, however, is a woman. What do you think that's all about?

  10. Miz Blo says:

    here you go. *hands over brass nutcracker*

  11. GinBaby says:

    Man, I have to admit. Now I kind of want to polish the brass balls. You think these would match my aging minivan, you know, aesthetically? I do have a penis on the antenna.
    It occurred to me that I may have seen these at some point and not known what they were. I really just would not think of putting balls on a vehicle, and so I might have not registered the significance, the import, the masculinity of them. I need to start paying more attention I guess.

  12. Jay says:

    I agree. The flesh-colored ones are really uncalled-for. So much so I had to link to them.Regarding the ones above….am I wrong or is that Xtra-Long Ball Hair Strands molded into the die shape? Which makes me wonder, are these supposed to emulate Backwards-Facing Balls or Forward-Facing Balls? If they are backward, then we are to assume that the entire back end of the truck is a massive anal opening? Does this make the guy driving it, ipso facto, a metaphorical Piece of Shit?Ladies and gentlemen, I think it does.

  13. CrowSeer says:

    They really are kinda gross… and can you imagine phoning your bank's customer service line if there was a problem with your order? "Yes, I've been over-charged for my eight-inch flesh nuts… you heard what I said!"

  14. Kirk says:

    Yay! My dearest friend Dee has a VOX!It just gets better all the time.

  15. Jay says:

    Or if you were to get into a little fender-bender…..

  16. CrowSeer says:

    The selection of antenna toppers also presents a peculiar moral dilemma… "Do I show my support for our brave boys fighting overseas… or for Hooters girls?"

  17. i see these regularly around here. i find them quite disgusting 😛

  18. Joni says:

    Haven't seen anything this funny in quite a while! The only bad thing about those is that I can see myself bying a dozen of them and bolting them to unsuspecting cars in the dead of night.
    Aah, vandalism never felt so wrong… and yet so right…

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