Was It Something I Said?

Despite the fact that I majored in English, I truly suck at articulating my thoughts when I speak. I’m alright when it comes to my writing, sure, because I can go back and change the parts that make me look like an illiterate bumpkin. But when I have to throw words together at a moment’s notice, what comes out of my mouth is often frighteningly far removed from what I’m actually trying to say.

This causes problems. It also inspires fits of laughter from others which, in turn, inspires me to separate my middle finger from the rest and display it for all to see. But that’s an entirely different personal problem we won’t get into today.

Foul Language

I had bitchin’ lunches when I was a kid. My mom seldom shelled out the money for a school lunch, but she always made sure there was something fabulous for me to take to school with me. While other kids slowly chewed on their boring-ass peanut butter sandwiches like cud, I enjoyed left over pizza – that sort of thing.

One day – I was in the seventh grade, if memory serves – I had in my lunch sack the scrumptious remains of the previous night’s fried chicken dinner. As has been previously confessed, my family hails from West Virginia, so this was no ordinary fried chicken. This was my mother’s southern-fried chicken: delectable bird juices bound securely inside plump and tender meat by obscene amounts of seasoned, oil-saturated flour. This is how God himself has his chicken prepared, okay?

Now, at that age, I had yet to acquire the more refined, adult taste for white meat and was thus only willing to eat legs, thighs, and if absolutely necessary, wings.

So I’m sitting at the table in the crowded school cafeteria, surrounded by friends and cliquish, asshat bullies alike, unwrapping the aluminum foil from my luscious chicken, when I realize that I had grabbed my mom’s lunch instead of my own. Without even an iota of forethought, I blurted out, “Oh no! My mom got my legs and I got her breast!!!”

The fact my lunch was ruined quickly became irrelevant since humiliation tends to destroy my appetite.

I Want Candy

The other HI-larious example is quite a bit more recent. A couple years ago, a coworker was selling candy bars for his daughter who was participating in a school fundraiser. For two weeks this coworker, B, was the go-to man for your overpriced-but-for-a-good-cause chocolate confections.

On one particularly busy afternoon, I was in need of an energy boost and simply didn’t have time to run over to Starbucks, so I headed to B’s desk with my mouth set for one of the bars with the Rice Crispies in. Seeing he was not at his desk, I said to those sitting nearby, “Anyone know where B is? I need some sugar.”

There was really no way to recover from that, since there was a limitless plethora of better words I could have chosen over “some sugar”. I could have said “chocolate” or “an energy boost” or the painfully obvious “an overpriced candy bar with those yummy Rice Crispies in.”

But no, I had to make it sound like I was looking for a quickie. Gah.

Read and post comments

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
This entry was posted in Can I Say Something? and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Was It Something I Said?

  1. Kevin Wolf says:

    Very funny, sir. Laughter is occurring.

  2. faerie~wings says:

    hee-hee! Nothing like the fresh taste of foot in the mouth!

  3. Lauri says:

    Lol! Oh it's so fun to hear that others do this, too!I am constantly nibbling my own toenails, but always happy to laugh at meself! 😉

  4. IG says:

    hee hee. i do this all the time too. barely a blush any more.

  5. arbed says:

    I wonder what would happen if I wandered the office looking for some sugar? A gal can dream, right?
    <pauses to think about her office> oh, never mind…

  6. I-Luv-Eeyore says:

    I do this all the time! Especially when Chris and I are both in the office at the same time. Things that would otherwise be innocent suddenly take on a more adult tone when your spouse is around. Such as the time we were celebrating someone's birthday with yummy cake and I hollered "Chris come and get some!" yeah….that was cause for hilarity and a red face for quite a while…

  7. Budd says:

    B is your sugar daddy. Hahahahahahah!

  8. CrowSeer says:

    Who can take a rainbow,Wrap it in a sigh?Soak it in the sun and make the stra'bry lemon pieThe candyman? The candyman can…The candyman can 'cause he mixes it with loveand makes the world taste good…
    No? Just me then…

  9. serendipity says:

    Lol. Thanks for sharing, this makes me feel so much better about myself.

  10. Emmi says:

    Just so you know, the only thing I could think during that post is, "Crap, he's a good writer. I'm jealous".
    You've got to love spontaneous innuendo. All the planned jokes in the world can't compare to the sexy verbal slip-up. It lends itself to "joie de vivre"!

  11. Susan says:

    Funny, Arbed!

  12. Susan says:

    Kirk I enjoy your blog. 😀 You have me laughing right now.

  13. bouche says:

    That's some funny stuff! I've had slips like that. I have a doozy that would totally take all heat off of any previous and future slip you'd ever have. If you want me to post it, all ya have to do is ask!

  14. Brown Suga' says:

    ROFL! Kirk, you are good.

    That sugar thing was especially funny.

  15. Red Pen says:

    This cracks me up. “Anyone know where B is? I need some sugar.”Ha! I can just imagine how you felt.

  16. jaypo says:

    Aaahhgggh!! Thinking of your boom-y voice saying those things makes them even funnier!

  17. MalieKai says:

    HI-larious!!! As my grandma says, perfect is boring. Very true! Perfect is also not nearly as funny. Thanks for the chuckle. : )

  18. cheeky_muli says:

    love ya work captain kirk! 😉

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