Snap Judgments

Let’s just say for a second that I didn’t believe in due process and the prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment. Then let’s say I had to make a few snap judgments about some privileged people currently in trouble with the law and offer suggestions for punishment. Were that a position I found myself in, I’d be forced to issue the following decrees (in no particular order):

1. Michael Vick is a barbaric, punk-ass thug who knew damn good and well what was going on at Bad Newz Kennels on his Virginia property.

He should be forced to fight to the death with someone as vicious and inhuman as he is. If he refuses, he should be hung and electrocuted until he either dies or gets in the ring.

2. Phil Spector is a tiny-dick loser who couldn’t convince beautiful Lana Clarkson to have sex with him, so he shot her in the face.

He should be shot in the face after fending off sexual advances from a supremely ugly Hollywood has-been.

3. Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled, alcoholic brat who seems to have a remarkably tough time maintaining control of her actions and lacks any sort of concern for anyone but herself.

She should have her fortune completely stripped and be forced to spend the next decade working retail and riding the bus. Oh, and she should also be forced to always wear panties.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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18 Responses to Snap Judgments

  1. RedScylla says:

    Where would you get a Hollywood has-been as scary or scarier than Phil Spector? I mean, even Phyllis Diller is a nice lady.

  2. lauowolf says:

    It's harder to play Old Testament god than it looks like.Actually, for him I'd settle for just tossing him in jail like the thug that he is.

  3. Budd says:

    Lindsey should also be forced to eat a cheeseburger. she is way too skinny.

  4. Lauri says:

    Huh, Kirk. I'm with ya, three for three!!!

  5. AmyH says:

    Last week, Adam Felber said on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me re: Lohan.
    "Why doesn't she hire a driver?!?!"
    Heck, when I know I'm going to get all drunk, I make arrangements to crash at a friend's house or have a cab lined up. It's not that hard! But then maybe she can afford the jail time, fines, etc.
    Good calls on all. I'd vote for you.

  6. RedScylla says:

    I've got a whole post on this that I keep meaning to write…it'll make a great business plan for someone.

  7. arbed says:

    yep, I've heard people make this type of comment for any celeb who gets in trouble for dui or cui (coke under the influence – ha) – they really have no excuse as far as I'm concerned

  8. "…knew damn good and well what was going on at Bad Newz Kennels"Perhaps his first clue should have been the name of the kennel. And why not Bad Newz Kennelz? He's not only barbaric, he's not even consistent!On the other hand Phil Spectre is at least entertaining…Who is this Lindsey Lohan of whom you speak??? Is she one of those panty-less limo starlets?

  9. Cortadito says:

    The only addition I'd make is that Phil Spector should be made to sit in a tiny tin room and try to make a wall of sound mix out of a band consisting only of bass drum, french horn, and banjo while fighting off the above mentioned sexual advances.

  10. IG says:

    kirk for god almighty in 2008. i'd vote for you too.

  11. Kirk says:

    "It's harder to play Old Testament god than it looks like."Yeah, and I know my punishments aren't terribly clever, but I was just really enjoying imagining these people being placed in an eye-for-an-eye scenario……especially Vick. How totally fitting would it be for him to have his ears chewed off and his neck and face bit to shreds?

  12. RedScylla says:

    In short: time for Mike Tyson to come out of retirement. We finally have a use for him.

  13. Emmi says:

    If you mean drunk driving, I agree. But kids like Lohan / Paris etc, the public eats up their publicity and pays them big money then picks on them for the dumbest junk. Being thin, rich, panty flashing, so what? I think it's bullying. Not you, Kirk, but the media is making a killing off of divorces, rehab stints etc. Not pretty.
    But if you were referring to her DUI, I second that punishment. Let me add some of my own as well.
    Vick – wow. I'm sorta in a dogfighting area here in our town, these people are scary. Beyond scary. The level of sociopath is just unreal. I'm up for some rough justice too.

  14. Kirk says:

    "But if you were referring to her DUI…"Yes, completely. I was basing my opinion mainly off the story I linked to. The panty comment was an afterthought (though underwear really is sort of a necessity when you're wearing a micro-mini).

  15. CrowSeer says:

    Lohan, Lohan, Lohan… sigh… She was super-cute in Mean Girls, but that's pretty much it as far as I'm concerned, in terms of her adult "acting career". Since then it's been tabloid infamy all the way. There are so many genuinely talented actresses, who just get on with their actual jobs (Chabert, Page, Paquin) that there's really no need for people like Lohan in the business… imho. I'd like to see her get help and get better on a physical/mental health level, but there's no real need for her to act again.

  16. Lurkertype says:

    I must disagree with #1.He should be forced to fight a dog.

  17. Pop ARF says:

    Michael Vick:Man this guy is in some serious trouble! People need to learn that the
    world does not mess around when it comes to cruelty to animals.

    One Nation Under Dog

    Go with DogDog is my co-pilot

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