Drunken Asshole Neighbor

Sometime shortly after four this morning, I was forced to heed the call of nature. (Oh, yeah, this is going to be a great post! Can you tell?) Now, I’d have likely remained asleep the entire time, but there were noises about. Karin was awake. But behind that, dully, was the sound of bass beats.

I pulled the wad of orange foam out of my left ear – I wear ear-plugs when I sleep – and slowly came to realize the music’s origin was outside the house.

Then I heard Karin say, “Our neighbor is an asshole.” She was standing in the door of the bathroom in a t-shirt and flannel pajama pants (so cute), smoking a cigarette. The TV in the living room was on. She’d obviously been up for a while.

“What time is it?”

“Quarter to five,” she said. “I woke up at three-thirty to— what’s the group that did Some Heads Are Gonna Roll?”

“Judas Prie—“

“I woke up to that shit! So did Amanda! Asshole was sitting out in his car listening to it! In his car, Kirk! At three-thirty in the morning!

In the living room, the music was clear as day. Drunken Asshole Neighbor – we’ll call him “Dan” – was treating the entire neighborhood to a not-so-eclectic mix of mid-80s glam rock. He had moved from his car to his garage, but the thin aluminum garage door did little to suppress the caterwauling of the various washed up hair-bands. Dan was undoubtedly shit-faced. Even if Karin hadn’t seen him nearly perform a face-plant in his own driveway an hour before, his history of drunken idiocy is widely known. And besides, only drunk people crank their music at 5am and no one’s ever just a little drunk at that time of the morning.

Lacking a decent sound-recording device, I took the video camera out to document, just for you, the unmitigated gall demonstrated by the drunk-ass punk-ass living next door to me. I’m sleepy and pissed-off in this recording, so please forgive my remarkable lack of eloquence. It’s not an award-winning narration by any means. And there’s not a lot to see, because it’s dark out – it being, you know, so freaking early. But I think it will at least give you an idea of how utterly loathsome people can be.

Shortly after I’d gone back inside, we heard Dan go out his front door. I looked out the window and watched him stagger out to his car, get in, and drive off! He returned only a few minutes later, probably having realized alcohol wouldn’t be sold for another forty minutes.


My advice to you: try not to buy a house next door to a rental. The next-door neighbor crapshoot gets old fast.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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24 Responses to Drunken Asshole Neighbor

  1. lauowolf says:

    5 am????murder would be too good for this guy….I'd suggest opera at 2 in the afternoon.(Or whenever he sleeps.)

  2. Kirk says:

    Yeah, and Karin woke up to it at 3:30am! He was surely doing it before that, since she usually sleeps pretty soundly. I imagine he started in as soon as he got home after 2am bar close.

  3. arbed says:

    wouldn't it help to call the cops on his ass?man, I feel for you having crappy neighbours (well, okay, not feel for you, because after all it's dark out and who knows where I'm feeling, yanno? I don't want karin after me! 😛 )

  4. Lauri says:

    This is just horrible, Kirk. :(Major assholery going on here. How often does this happen? Are there no noise ordinances? Is he approachable when not drinking? Ha. Stupid question. I agree with lauo. Murder seems the easiest solution.

  5. Kirk says:

    "wouldn't it help to call the cops on his ass?" Yes, and we will next time. We try to be patient, show a little tolerance. But this morning's escapades were the final straw for me, especially the little drunken drive around the block.

  6. JamesTr says:

    that sucks. I'd have called the cops on him as soon as he left in his car. Get him for DWI.

  7. IG says:

    –> And by that I mean the narration, not Drunk Asshole Neighbor. I am so sorry about the jackassholery, but I seriously just LOL'd at the peevishness of: "I mean he doesn't even listen to good Motley Crue. He listens to when they sucked!" Ha ha ha!

  8. jaypo says:

    Yeah, call the cops. No sense in losing your sleep more than once. Bugger.

  9. Emmi says:

    I so know what you mean. We have people on our street who regularly make me want to bash someone's car in. That's why when J and I drive anywhere my arm is 100 percent of the time waving furiously out the window at homes surrounded by enormous fields and lost in miles of woodland.
    "See??? Look! That one! That one! The next house is 4 miles away! Yes!!"

  10. Karyn says:

    I drink, I drink and blast the tunes…thank goodness noone complains. What I did along time ago, when I first moved in was I turned it up, closed the doors and went outside to see what it sounded like. Then I turned it up and went out with the doors and windows open and found out what it sounded like.
    You have to have alittle respect for your neighbors, I have really good ones right at the moment…who knows what will happen when they leave. Might have to have stereo wars or something.
    As for you…I would be calling the cops on him. At least afew times until he got the message.

  11. When the music started playing at 3:30, right before I checked the time, I would have sworn it was coming from our living room it was so loud and clear. "Dan" is such a selfish prick. I was about ready to go out and scream at him, except Mom was already up too and she would not have been happy. He best toe the line or I'm calling the cops myself, jackass.

  12. Brown Suga' says:

    Good GRIEF. Sorry about that stupid drunk tenant. I'd probably join PowerPanda in the slugfest.
    (My case is the opposite, though – I live as a paying guest, and my landlady, though not a drinker, is an all-out bitch.)
    If it's any consolation, you have a nice voice, and it manages to drown out most of Motely Crap.

  13. lizzy says:

    i was thinking you should call the cops too, as i see many others are suggesting. when that guy gets into a car that drunk he's a danger to everyone because he will then be in control of a deadly weapon (the car). if (or should i say when) he goes to jail the noise will disappear as an added bonus. 😉

  14. CrowSeer says:

    Dude next door to me used to play pointlessly loud music at odd times of the morning… video games with guns and bombs too… the problem is we are in semi-detached houses, so our rooms basically share a wall. At first I used to have stereo-wars with him in the evening (L7's Shitlist always seemed most effective, for some reason) but then, thankfully, he got a pet dog and had to keep the noise down so as not to disturb it. I'm not sure buying your neighbour a puppy would be a solid solution though…

  15. spooktastic says:

    oh yes, i know exactly what you mean. our bedroom window faces our neighbors' front area. my cousin lives upstairs and they rent the downstairs out. these fuckers come home at midnight on a work night slamming doors and screaming at each other. the kids fight at 7 in the morning on a weekend right outside our bedroom window screaming profanities at each other. they leave the porch light on all night long with this light coming in my windows. they blast their music. and strangest of all, one of them sits outside on the front porch (once again facing our bedroom window with barely 20 feet between us) playing and singing along to his ukulele at 2 in the damned morning. i know this is hawaii, but a uke at freaking 2 in the morning. why god, why? i have fantasies of setting up a sniper's nest and getting a bb gun and shooting out their porch light. you are so right. renters are the pits. i have no idea who lives there because there seems to be 20 people living in a 3 bedroom downstairs part of a house. there are different people in the garage everytime i'm out there and different cars too. when my mom came to hawaii to bury her mother and she was picking flowers in front of her own house the woman that lives there YELLED AT HER. my god. my god. MY GOD. whew. look at me. sorry for going off in your comments. but i fantasize about living on 10 acres with my house right in the middle and NO NEIGHBORS. i feel your pain, kirk, i feel it!

  16. Brown Suga' says:

    Hey, I just saw this and thought of you!
    Laugh-Out-Loud Cats #162

    This guy, ApeLad, is marvellous! His great-grandfather is credited with creating the first LOLcats…

  17. Kirk says:

    Lauri: Happens two three times a month, at least. He started turning down at ten for a little while because (I think) the old guy who lives on the other side of him called the cops on him. But it started up again a couple weeks later.JamesTr, jaypo, and lizzy: I grabbed the video camera to tape him coming home, but he came back so quickly — he was literally only gone a couple minutes — that I wasn't ready. When he went back inside and was quiet after that, we determined that calling the police at that point would only escalate matters and probably wouldn't have solved anything. But rest assured, my patience with him is gone and next time it'll be Federal Way's finest.at his door.Maya: I grew up in the sticks. It's awesome.notsonice: you hit the nail on the head; it's not the drinking and the loud music but rather the absolute disregard for his neighbors.Shuby: It's a HUGE consolation. Thanks! :)Dee: He'd only be mean to it. He has no animals, thankfully. I'd be tempted to liberate them.spooktastic: Thanks. It's sort of comforting to know this type exists everywhere. The guy next door has a drum set in his garage, as well. Can your neighbor actually play the uke? Because this guy can't hold a beat to save his life.

  18. Kirk says:

    Aw, Shuby, you're too cool! I've seen these "original" LOLcats via BoingBoing, but I hadn't seen this one. You just KNOW it's going into the the CimC Necronomicon! Thanks again!

  19. Karin says:

    I am definitely for calling the cops when
    someone drinks and drives but I don't like to call the cops for noise. I
    don't think it helps. When the noise woke me up at 3:30 I wasn't even sure that
    he was coming home from anywhere cuz sometimes he just sits in his car and
    listens to his car stereo. I think it impresses him how loud it
    is. I will still have to live next door to him because the company
    managing the rental property next door kinda sucks and they aren’t going to
    evict him just because I complain. And he will be bitter and angry and
    still a drunk. At least we can be thankful that he appears to be a whiny
    drunk and not a violent drunk. I would hate for us to have to hurt
    him. From conversations that were had today I imagine it will be quite a
    while before he does anything like this again. Months at least. He
    realizes that we could have called the police. He is too embarrassed to
    even talk to us himself.

  20. Erin says:

    Do you live next door to me, 5 minutes from the largest college campus in the nation? Oh wait, you live across the country, so any behavior like that outside of my neighborhood is just plain STUPID. At least the band that lives across the street from me is decent, and they choose to practice drums at 3 in the afternoon, not three in the morning.

  21. spooktastic says:

    actually he can play the uke quite well, and he's not a bad singer. but everything sucks at 2 in the morning when you've gotta wake up 4 hours later. ha.

  22. J says:

    My ex used to blare his music like that in his car, about the same time too. I'd wake up and go pound on the windows and yell, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
    I'd leave a flaming bag of shit on your neighbors doorstep. Jerk.

  23. Lauri says:

    Wow, he really is embarrassed about his behavior? That's pretty amazing, right there!Hopefully you guys will get a little bit of peace and quiet before the next time!

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