A Gripe About the Wipe

It’s pretty easy to come up with a list of those profound things in life we all seem to take for granted: the undying love of our spouse and children, the unconditional loyalty of the family dog, the security of a good job, an immune system that’s functioning properly, stuff like that. And I’m sure we’ve all considered how much of a pain in the ass it would be to hold a long-distance conversation while entering the freeway at eighty miles per hour if not for cellular technology, or how sucky it would be to kill a new slab of meat every damn day because no one ever invented the refrigerator or even a decent curing process.

But what about the smaller, seemingly insignificant things? There are countless devices that play far bigger roles in smoothing out the daily grind than we give them credit for.

Take, for instance, the perforation that adorns your toilet tissue at four-inch intervals. Now there’s something I bet you haven’t given two seconds of thought to. But I can assure you that if the tissue dispensers in the restroom stalls of your office building are upgraded to hold a single, gargantuan roll of imperforate toilet tissue, you will realize a previously unknown form of frustration. You will sincerely miss those tiny, perfectly spaced holes. See, it turns out that toilet paper – at least the industrial-strength parchment supplied by the facilities department in my building – absolutely refuses to tear against its grain unless definite paths are precut into it. The result, of course, is that you get to enjoy the challenge of doing the job with a fistful of wispy (if  unduly textured) tissue strands. It’s like wiping your ass with dollar store crepe paper, only less colorful.

Perforated TP: a truly underrated modern convenience.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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16 Responses to A Gripe About the Wipe

  1. Marie says:

    Yeah that's a bummer! Another thing that really bites my ass is when the toilet paper roll is too big for the dispenser and you can't get any out at all…that really pisses me off! We should protest!

  2. brownamazon says:

    Word. Plus, that unperforated shit is like single-ply sandpaper. Might as well use the brown paper bag your lunch came in.

  3. arbed says:

    two comments and already "bummer", "ass", and "shit"I see we're on the right track:-P

  4. Kzinti says:

    I took on the ASSignment to look up a PHEW things regarding the history of toilet paper and ROLLED up on this particular article that appears to be written by someone who knows his SHIT. Sorry if this BUMs you out, but here it is in all it's glory…

  5. Marie says:

    I know eh..what a bunch of potty mouths!

  6. Mama Tami says:

    Yes, Marie!!! That ticks me off when the TP roll is too large for the dispenser too…you sit there are try to pull down a few squares and all you get is a clawed up TP roll…I hate that!
    So, I do say a grateful little prayer to the TP Gods when it just rolls nicely off the dispenser. And now thanks to Kirk, I will include the Perforation Gods in my adoration.

  7. bouche says:

    LOL, so true. 🙂

  8. Marie says:

    lol Mama Tami..and let's not forget the "thank god there is any TP at all" God!!!! I think that god is female…(must be) …cuz as we all know a male would never change the roll!! hahaha
    *ducks and runs for cover*

  9. Kzinti says:

    Ok, now I have surfed the web a bit and remembered I saw this, but not where. Now I know. He-Man Toilet Paper

  10. shush now says:

    Why is it that most men seem incapable of changing an empty roll or emptying the trash? I've seen so many single guys with two or three rolls of TP (partially used) behind the toilet and trash spilling out of the can and stacked around it. Why is this? Does anyone know?

  11. Kirk says:

    Marie: Yes! That too! Damn thing won't turn; you find yourself trying to turn the roll with one hand and pulling on the end of the roll with the other. Uuuuugh!brownamazon: I almost Photoshopped some sandpaper TP. But then I didn't. Took the easy route on the graphic this time. :)arbed: Your comment cracked me up. Oh, and Marie also had "pisses" in that first comment. LOL.Kzinti: Your links are much appreciated. That Grater TP image is painful just to look at. *shudder*Mama Tami: There are gods that control that shit? Damn, that must suck for them. Imagine what it must be like when they hang out with the gods of stuff like war and sex and money:God of War: Say, you in the brown and yellow robe, whadda you do?God of TP Perforation: *mumbles unintelligibly*God of Sex: (moaning) What? What did he say? Ooooooh!God of Fine Shoes: I couldn't understand him either.God of Rock & Roll: I think he said "Sneaky Masturbation".God of War: Speak up, man! What are you the god of?God of TP Perforation: Fine! I'm the God of TP Perforation, alright!? There! Now you know! I don't have a fancy job like little miss Goddess of Sensual Oils over there. No, I get to make sure the toilet tissue is adequately hole-punched! Shit, even the God of 3-Hole College Ruled Filler Paper has a better job then me! People don't wipe their asses with his work! To hell with this! I quit! Let those bastards down on earth perforate their own damn TP!Yeah, that's probably about how it went down, too. It's probably why so many people can relate to this post. The God of TP Perforation is on strike.shush now: (great name, by the way) I am not one of those men. 😛 Oh, sure, my ADHD will cause me to sometimes forget to go get a new roll if I used up the one in the bathroom, but that's relatively rare.

  12. bravo! unperforated TP is the devil.the God of TP Perforation is the best story I have heard in awhile! i have to get my hubby to read it. he tells me stories like this sometimes. 🙂 one night when we had first starting dating he got into a story about the little men that run his brain. it was quite an adventure! 😀

  13. Mama Tami says:

    You sir, crack me up! Thank you! 🙂

  14. Carlisa says:

    My daughter has a friend who's mom does cleaning and she brings home tons of this toilet paper (hot tp!) My daughter brings me like 15 big rolls at a time. My 8 y/o will just keep pulling at it until he has an armfull of sh*t paper. I think he'd stop quicker if it broke off. It's like that damn plastic wrap that doesn't want to tear!

  15. snoringKatZ says:

    The unperforated disintegrating paper is most annoying. My father, ever on the lookout for a bargain, had actually installed the super-rolls in his bathrooms. Right next to the phones. He preferred the waxed paper variety over the sand paper variety. I rarely visited.Living in a house chock full of males, I have determined the best defense is a good offense. Packages of extra-large rolls of toilet paper are stationed directly beneath the roller. We also have a closed toilet rule because I am forever knocking stuff into the toilet. I justified this by pointing out that men have greater natural upper body strength than women so lifting two lids only proves their manliness even more. It also prevents their toothbrushes, hairbrushes and deodorants from unplanned watery excursions courtesy of my lack of coordination.All hail Terebro!

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