Yeah, I have to do it. I can’t take it any longer.
This is a user guide for those clueless dolts out there who have never been educated in the finer points of using a public restroom. Ladies may want to forego reading this post unless they happen to take delight in new revelations of those odd quirks that make the male gender so utterly fascinating. And silly.
1. Proper Urinal Usage
1a. How About Some Privacy, Mack?
When approaching a set of urinals and discovering that one or more urinals is occupied, it is absolutely required that you choose a urinal that is as far away from all other occupied urinals as possible. DO NOT step up to a urinal that is directly adjacent to an occupied one unless it is your only option. Failing to obey this simple rule sends the message that you enjoy being in close proximity to other males when you pee and that you might even try to sneak a peak at some other guy’s junk. It is important to note that your actual intentions are irrelevant; break this rule and you are forever a creep.
Note: There is now a test to determine the extent of your knowledge in this area. Click here!
1b. Does This Look Like an Open Forum?
Most men consider conversation and urination to be mutually exclusive activities. DO NOT start up some small talk with the man standing next to you at the urinal. Understand and respect the fact that your average Joe will find chit-chat remarkably uncomfortable if he has his penis in his hand.
I know it doesn’t look like the potty you have at home. I know it’s just a little bit of pee. I know you’re in a big damn hurry. I also know you’re a disgusting maggot and I have to assume your house smells like a pig farm. Nevertheless, do everyone else a favor and pull the lever.
2. Proper Stall Usage
2a. We Aren’t Marking Territory!
Look, I realize some of you are sincerely concerned about others violating Rule 1a above and as a result you prefer to use the stall even if all you need to do is take a whiz. That’s totally acceptable. But for the love of William Tell, would you please take better aim? If not – if you sincerely lack any control over your penis (a well-known problem) – at least be kind enough to lift the seat.
2b. Dude! Hygiene!
I’ve said it before, but some people never listen: Wash your sweaty, bloated paws after you make a doo-doo! I don’t care how meticulous you are about your wiping methods; do everyone else a favor and just assume you weren’t meticulous enough. Wash your damned hands! And it wouldn’t kill you to use soap, either.
It’s not funny. It hasn’t been funny since second grade. Proudly leaving your dookie in there for the next guy to see is akin to going around flashing everyone your circumcision scar. I’d rather you got some toilet paper wet and threw it against the ceiling or, another old favorite, put the end of the TP roll in the bowl before flushing. I can always find more bathroom tissue. Removing the image you left in my mind will take more doing. Asshole.
I had planned on composing a third section about proper sink usage, but that seemed like trying to get a tone-deaf two-year-old to understand the miracle of Mozart. One step at a time, I guess. For now, we’ll have to let Rule 2b above stand as the sole reminder that after utilizing the one-lever basin, there is a two-lever basin that must be utilized as well.