Toilet Training

Yeah, I have to do it. I can’t take it any longer.

This is a user guide for those clueless dolts out there who have never been educated in the finer points of using a public restroom. Ladies may want to forego reading this post unless they happen to take delight in new revelations of those odd quirks that make the male gender so utterly fascinating. And silly.

1. Proper Urinal Usage

1a. How About Some Privacy, Mack?

When approaching a set of urinals and discovering that one or more urinals is occupied, it is absolutely required that you choose a urinal that is as far away from all other occupied urinals as possible. DO NOT step up to a urinal that is directly adjacent to an occupied one unless it is your only option. Failing to obey this simple rule sends the message that you enjoy being in close proximity to other males when you pee and that you might even try to sneak a peak at some other guy’s junk. It is important to note that your actual intentions are irrelevant; break this rule and you are forever a creep.

Note: There is now a test to determine the extent of your knowledge in this area. Click here!

1b. Does This Look Like an Open Forum?

Most men consider conversation and urination to be mutually exclusive activities. DO NOT start up some small talk with the man standing next to you at the urinal. Understand and respect the fact that your average Joe will find chit-chat remarkably uncomfortable if he has his penis in his hand.

1c. Flush!

I know it doesn’t look like the potty you have at home. I know it’s just a little bit of pee. I know you’re in a big damn hurry. I also know you’re a disgusting maggot and I have to assume your house smells like a pig farm. Nevertheless, do everyone else a favor and pull the lever.

2. Proper Stall Usage

2a. We Aren’t Marking Territory!

Look, I realize some of you are sincerely concerned about others violating Rule 1a above and as a result you prefer to use the stall even if all you need to do is take a whiz. That’s totally acceptable. But for the love of William Tell, would you please take better aim? If not – if you sincerely lack any control over your penis (a well-known problem) – at least be kind enough to lift the seat.

2b. Dude! Hygiene!

I’ve said it before, but some people never listen: Wash your sweaty, bloated paws after you make a doo-doo! I don’t care how meticulous you are about your wiping methods; do everyone else a favor and just assume you weren’t meticulous enough. Wash your damned hands! And it wouldn’t kill you to use soap, either.

2c. Flush!

It’s not funny. It hasn’t been funny since second grade. Proudly leaving your dookie in there for the next guy to see is akin to going around flashing everyone your circumcision scar. I’d rather you got some toilet paper wet and threw it against the ceiling or, another old favorite, put the end of the TP roll in the bowl before flushing. I can always find more bathroom tissue. Removing the image you left in my mind will take more doing. Asshole.

I had planned on composing a third section about proper sink usage, but that seemed like trying to get a tone-deaf two-year-old to understand the miracle of Mozart. One step at a time, I guess. For now, we’ll have to let Rule 2b above stand as the sole reminder that after utilizing the one-lever basin, there is a two-lever basin that must be utilized as well.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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18 Responses to Toilet Training

  1. Budd says:

    You forgot: Center yourself on the toilet seat to avoid actually going on the seat.

  2. Austin1234 says:

    And my favorite, carving your initials onto a toilet seat….who the fuck would do that, I mean get that close to a surface that has supported sweaty, smelly assess long enough to carve your name or initials or some stupid remark on…WOW…living proof the education system has let us down big time…

  3. bouche says:

    I second this. Especially Dude, Hygiene!… I was once in front, relieving and out came the most obnoxious, loud and bizarre fart of all time. I exclaimed "UH!" before it happened, made a strange face, and hada strange laugh after it because … I really couldn't do anything to stop it. The guy next to me started laughing quite hard and said "dude, you're funny!" It was kind of funny. But kind of awkward too. These things happen.

  4. Miz Blo says:

    "Please lift the seat"

  5. Jay says:

    Amen on all points.AND….what is it with guys who have an uncontrollable need to hock a loogie into the urinal before (or while) draining the snake? Just what I want to hear, your haaaak-ptoo complete with slurpy drippage as you unzip it. Geez.I'm trying to work up a fart here.

  6. CrowSeer says:

    re: 1c
    Does that mean you have urinals with flush handles over there? Crikey. I can't really remember from my time in The States. In Britain they flush themselves at regular intervals, in a slightly spooky way.
    Personally I'd add "no whistling a a jaunty tune" to that list, but that's not a toilet specific rule. I just hate jaunty whistlers. Also, I find it weird when guys answer their cell phones in the cubicles. Ick.

  7. DKN says:

    Haha! This is funny!I just stumbled on this and thought of your post. Sorry for the threadjack 😉

  8. Jenn F. says:

    have you been talking to my husband? This is one of his regular rants– except that he ends his by calling the non-handwashers Mr. Nasty Hands.

  9. OMG THANK YOU! Please don't talk to me in the bathroom, especially while I'm peeing!May I please add:2d: I like to shit alone, and I don't like to be around when others shit. Please respect that. When I'm trying to take a quick whiz and suddenly I hear your toilet amplifying the sound of your half-solid dookie splashing up the joint (and probably your nasty ass-cheeks), it nearly brings my stream to a halt. Can you not hold it for two seconds until I get the hell out of there? Can you not extend the same courtesy to me that I do to you? *shudder*

  10. Holy fuck, that's funny.

  11. Rev Stan says:

    I got 40 out of 60 on the test, is that good?

  12. devonrex says:

    I pee in pools. What?!

  13. Kirk says:

    "Does that mean you have urinals with flush handles over there?"We do have the auto-flush variety, but the ones in my office building are manuals.

  14. Kirk says:

    "I got 40 out of 60 on the test, is that good?"Not bad, Rev. Most guys don't do that well. Sadly.

  15. CrowSeer says:

    Ack! I've just had a memory!!
    Back in the day, when I worked as a clothing packer, the canteen cubicle toilets were almost always stuffed with paper, because the people I worked with were total morons. There'd often be a some doodie on top of the paper too, which could never be flushed, because the thing was blocked. I, in my aspirational, sneaky way would nip up the stairs to the next floor, where the office types had their own toilets, which were always pristine. Hurrah!
    Now… I must suppress… suppress…

  16. Carlisa says:

    Too funny! I scored 4 out of 6 on the test. They say I'm acceptable in the men's room, but I think I'll pass!

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