What If All Cartoon Characters Acted Like Superheroes?

Forget about whether Superman could take the Silver Surfer or if Spider-Man would wipe the floor up with Batman*. We’ve argued these things into the ground. Superheroes aren’t the only cartoon characters to get righteously pissed-off at one another, after all. I’ve heard that Fat Albert had a penchant for slapping other cartoon characters in the back of the head. Plus he farted a lot. You just know someone wanted to up and kick his fat ass.

So what about these other, less obvious cartoon brawl match-ups?  Here are my predictions for a few classic battles that get no recognition.

Woody Woodpecker VS Daffy Duck

This bout would start out pretty even as each fighter tried to out-crazy the other. Eyes would roll and tongues would flap and there would be seriously deranged bodily undulations. But eventually Woody Woodpecker would take control of the fight when he started in with the pecking. Things would look bad for Daffy until the final round when he would suddenly steal victory by luring Woody into a clearing to be shot from all directions at once by hunters with double-barreled twelve-gauges.

Winner: Daffy Duck

Scooby-Doo VS Astro

OK, since Astro is the one who lives in the future, he’d be the one most likely to have access to time travel technology, so we have to assume he would be the one stuck with an away game. The oogies from time travel coupled with the lack of a home field advantage would not be good for Astro. What’s more, Astro has always lived a cushy life whereas Scoob has faced many a terrifying adventure, so our future-pup is really out of his element. There would certainly be times when things looked close, since Scooby really is a big wuss, but desire for copious victory Scooby-Snacks would prove enough to give Scooby the upper paw. He’d eventually end up making Astro cry “Runcle!”

Winner: Scooby-Doo

Jabberjaw VS Squiddly Diddly

This fight could really only occur under very extreme conditions, since both Jabberjaw and Squiddly Diddly are meek, sycophantic losers. Here we have a great white shark who’d rather play hide-n-seek with cephalopods than tear them apart and an octopus who wrongly believes he’s both a squid and a talented musician. But let’s just say for the sake of argument that Jabberjaw and Squiddly ended up in the same tank and it just wasn’t big enough for the two of them. In that case Jabberjaw, who outweighs his opponent by a couple tons and has the ability to swallow adversaries whole, would win without question. Sure, he’d be shitting black ink and suction cups for a week, making that "whoop-whoop-whoop" sound the entire time, but at least that insipid purple octo-wuss would be a thing of the past!

Winner: Jabberjaw

Grape Ape VS Magilla Gorilla

This battle between two Hanna-Barbarians is an easy one to call. Magilla might be able to bob and weave for a little while, but considering the fact that Grape Ape is forty feet tall and known to fight steam-shovels, it would only be a matter of time before Magilla no longer had to worry about being purchased from Mr. Peebles’s pet shop, having been stomped into a simian-flavored pancake.

Winner: Grape Ape

Please feel free to offer up other less-than-classic cartoon crossover battles in the comments and discuss same. Perhaps you have an opinion, for example, on the outcome of a Yogi Bear / Wally Gator bout. Would Wally win or would Yogi stuff him into a pic-a-nic basket?

*He totally would. Spider-Man rules.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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20 Responses to What If All Cartoon Characters Acted Like Superheroes?

  1. I'd like to see a matchup between Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake myself. Obviously Rainbow would win, but the hair pulling and polite shrieking would be fun to watch.
    Or Smurfette and Wilma… That little blue smurf is a fiesty little bitch. I think she could take the mom of stoneage cartoon.

  2. Kirk says:

    Ha! That's awesome. I didn't even think about the girls' cartoons! Now I'm all contemplating how badly the Care Bears would trounce the Powerpuff Girls. :)And yeah, I've always thought Smurfette was tough. She'd wipe out Wilma and then head next door to beat up Betty.

  3. Red Mosquito says:

    What about Speedy Gonzalez vs. Jerry (from Tom and Jerry)?

  4. Street Vein says:

    when my son was little, i would wake him up this way… he was a big comic book freak, so i would come into his room early in the morning to wake him up by whispering things like, "who would win in a fight between superman and batman" — he would slowly stir, then bounce up and yell SUPERMAN.man, i miss that.

  5. Jay says:

    I don't know…..Smurfette, being only three apples high, is open to a swift kick, or getting sucked up into a mini-mammoth vacuum cleaner. I don't think I'd put my money on her.And Strawberry is just a stinky little urchin….Rainbow has all the fancy tricks. She'd pwn her big-time.How 'bout Josie and her Pussycats vs. the girls of Jem?He-Man vs. Thundarr?Ghostbusters vs. the Real Ghostbusters?Tom vs. Sylvester! Heathcliff vs. Top Cat! Rubik the Amazing Cube vs. Pac-Man!!!

  6. Brown Suga' says:

    Olive Oyl vs. Penelope Pitstop!

    Mumbly vs. Gromit!

    Foghorn Leghorn vs. Yogi Bear!

  7. northerngeek says:

    Mr Magoo and Hong Kong FooeyMagoo would win hands down just with his power of good luck. Magoo would lock the filing cabinet for good. Somehow anyway. lol

  8. CrowSeer says:

    That'd be great… like a more colourful version of what happens when the clubs kick-out in town, and everyone ends up rowing around the takeaway places… except with a magical talking horse wedged between them going "Leave it, Rainbow… she's not worth it!"
    Meanwhile, I refuse to be dragged into the superhero debate… except to say that Guy Gardner, Earth's one true Green Lantern, could take Spiderman any day… er, unless Spiderman punched him in the face, in which case he'd drop like a sack of potatoes. 😦

  9. Kirk says:

    "…Speedy Gonzalez vs. Jerry (from Tom and Jerry)…"I'd have to give that one to Jerry. Let me explain:Sure, Speedy is fast and really hands cats like Sylvester their asses. But he is also a devout Catholic and you'll notice he never harms other mice. He has no problem wailing on cats because he sees them as minions of the devil, but he'd have a hard time thrashing Jerry, especially when Jerry flashed the sad eyes and acted all helpless (which you know he would). Meanwhile resourceful Jerry, unencumbered by such religious sentimentality, would eventually find a way to capture Speedy and waste him. I love Speedy, but Jerry's a crazy, evil little bastard.Winner: Jerry

  10. Kirk says:

    "…Heathcliff vs. Top Cat…"Ha! I actually had Top Cat vs. Garfield as one of the options while writing this post. Top Cat's street savvy would have won that one, but I think Heathcliff would have been a tougher character. Hard to call that one. Probably would end up a draw, with both cats being arrested and jailed.Winner: Draw"Smurfette, being only three apples high, is open to a swift kick, or
    getting sucked up into a mini-mammoth vacuum cleaner. I don't think I'd
    put my money on her."I think she might surprise you. You'll notice Gargamel never had children. I don't think that's just because he was ugly. I think Smurfette is vicious and clever.Oh! And I thought of a match-up you'd appreciate, Jay! Mumm-ra vs. Skeletor!

  11. Uh,oh, Kirk, we're just not sympatico on that Daffy Duck/Woody Woodpecker match. If Daf lured Woody into an ambush, you just know he's get his beak blown off, too. I'm putting my money on Tweety Bird kicking both their asses. I am so with you on Spiderman, though. Totally.

  12. Kirk says:

    "…Mumbly vs. Gromit…" Gromit is a refined Brit and, while very clever, not much into violence. Meanwhile Mumbly will stop at nothing to achieve his goals, but he's inhibited by being an often short-sighted asshole. Odds usually favor the person with fewer controlling virtues, but I think in the end Gromit would manipulate one of Wallace's electronic devices and achieve victory that way.Winner: Gromit

  13. Kirk says:

    "Magoo would lock the filing cabinet for good."Inadvertently, of course, and only if he somehow incapacitated Spot the cat.

  14. Kirk says:

    "Guy Gardner, Earth's one true Green Lantern, could take Spiderman any day… er, unless Spiderman punched him in the face, in which case he'd drop like a sack of potatoes." Ha! yeah. I say the same thing to Panda when she insists Batman could take Spider-Man. I'm all, "Yeah? And what's he going to do when Spidey knocks his head clean off with one punch?" After all, Batman needed the help of Green Arrow and a Kryptonite arrowhead to defeat Superman…

  15. Kirk says:

    "If Daf lured Woody into an ambush, you just know he's get his beak blown off, too." I don't think so, because Daffy would have quickly constructed a sign reading "Woodpecker Season". 😛

  16. Weeellll….you make a good point. However, I thought that was Bug's method. Still…. I suppose Daf must have learned a thing or two from his arch nemesis. (Sigh) Okay. I'm going to have to concede.

  17. CrowSeer says:

    And he has his spidey-sense, of course. Ninjas can't do crap against someone with psychic powers like that. Poop to Batman!
    On the subject of Mumm-ra, the one thing I remember about him was that he was terrified of his own reflection, and seeing it would send him running back home. So even Penelope Pitstop could take him, because she always carried a compact. Bless her lil' ole heart.

  18. Lauri says:

    BAHAhahahaah!!!"shitting black ink and suction cups for a week"*shaking head laughing*You made this all appear in my brain!!! All of the combats…not just the black ink and suction cups! THanks!!! 🙂

  19. Auds says:

    Nemo vs. Flounder (Finding Nemo/The little Mermaid)I have to say Flounder since Nemo has that gimp fin.

  20. Jay says:

    Skeletor vs. Mumm-RaAlthough it's true that Mumm-Ra hates his own reflection, his Ancient Spirits of Evil imbue him with much more Evilness than Skeletor's steroid-enhanced blue physique. Mumm-Ra on a good day was spades more nefarious than the merely mischievous Skeletor and his band of outrageously-armored cronies. I don't even know where his purple sword went that came with his action figure, apparently that never made it to the cartoon. Not that anyone ever used any of the horrific weapons they lugged around, it was all a lot of posing and trash-talking. It's hard to judge a contest between two overly-censored supernatural baddies, and so I have to base it on maniacal laughter alone.Skeletor: High-pitched and shrill, like a prepubescent bully stealing your quarters at Aladdin's CastleMumm-Ra: Bellowing and throaty, like Kathleen Turner after poker nightWinner: Mumm-Ra

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