Forget about whether Superman could take the Silver Surfer or if Spider-Man would wipe the floor up with Batman*. We’ve argued these things into the ground. Superheroes aren’t the only cartoon characters to get righteously pissed-off at one another, after all. I’ve heard that Fat Albert had a penchant for slapping other cartoon characters in the back of the head. Plus he farted a lot. You just know someone wanted to up and kick his fat ass.
So what about these other, less obvious cartoon brawl match-ups? Here are my predictions for a few classic battles that get no recognition.
Woody Woodpecker VS Daffy Duck
This bout would start out pretty even as each fighter tried to out-crazy the other. Eyes would roll and tongues would flap and there would be seriously deranged bodily undulations. But eventually Woody Woodpecker would take control of the fight when he started in with the pecking. Things would look bad for Daffy until the final round when he would suddenly steal victory by luring Woody into a clearing to be shot from all directions at once by hunters with double-barreled twelve-gauges.
Winner: Daffy Duck
Scooby-Doo VS Astro
OK, since Astro is the one who lives in the future, he’d be the one most likely to have access to time travel technology, so we have to assume he would be the one stuck with an away game. The oogies from time travel coupled with the lack of a home field advantage would not be good for Astro. What’s more, Astro has always lived a cushy life whereas Scoob has faced many a terrifying adventure, so our future-pup is really out of his element. There would certainly be times when things looked close, since Scooby really is a big wuss, but desire for copious victory Scooby-Snacks would prove enough to give Scooby the upper paw. He’d eventually end up making Astro cry “Runcle!”
Jabberjaw VS Squiddly Diddly
This fight could really only occur under very extreme conditions, since both Jabberjaw and Squiddly Diddly are meek, sycophantic losers. Here we have a great white shark who’d rather play hide-n-seek with cephalopods than tear them apart and an octopus who wrongly believes he’s both a squid and a talented musician. But let’s just say for the sake of argument that Jabberjaw and Squiddly ended up in the same tank and it just wasn’t big enough for the two of them. In that case Jabberjaw, who outweighs his opponent by a couple tons and has the ability to swallow adversaries whole, would win without question. Sure, he’d be shitting black ink and suction cups for a week, making that "whoop-whoop-whoop" sound the entire time, but at least that insipid purple octo-wuss would be a thing of the past!
Grape Ape VS Magilla Gorilla
This battle between two Hanna-Barbarians is an easy one to call. Magilla might be able to bob and weave for a little while, but considering the fact that Grape Ape is forty feet tall and known to fight steam-shovels, it would only be a matter of time before Magilla no longer had to worry about being purchased from Mr. Peebles’s pet shop, having been stomped into a simian-flavored pancake.
Winner: Grape Ape
Please feel free to offer up other less-than-classic cartoon crossover battles in the comments and discuss same. Perhaps you have an opinion, for example, on the outcome of a Yogi Bear / Wally Gator bout. Would Wally win or would Yogi stuff him into a pic-a-nic basket?
*He totally would. Spider-Man rules.