Rude Awakening

My best friend is not feeling well. Poor Marley seems to have acquired some lousy stomach bug. He’s such a trooper; the only indicator that he’s sick is that he isn’t quite as persistent that you throw his hedgehog.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

He came into the bedroom last night as he always does and settled down to sleep on his bed. We’d all been up late watching LOST (which the fuckwit network execs moved to 10pm ostensibly due to all the orgy-sex they’ve added to the plot*) and so I was pretty well crashed out when Marley came to wake me up at around 2am.

Having finally acknowledged that it was my dog and not a Shakira/Karin hybrid that was licking me, I dragged myself out of bed to let Marley out of the bedroom.

My foot found the puddle of poo before my nose did. Of course, each and every toe immediately awakened both members of the slumbering Nostril Guard with cries of “AAAAAH! WE’RE UNDER ATTACK! WHERE WAS OUR OLFACTORY EARLY WARNING!? SOMEONE’S GONNA PAY!”

Of course, once Nasal-L and Nasal-R were aware of the situation, they immediately felt compelled to inform Commander Gag who, being a rather edgy guy anyway, threw a tantrum that pretty much incapacitated me.

So there I am, standing on my one unsoiled foot, convulsing violently, and Marley’s waiting by the door doing the “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” dance.  In between dry heaves, it occurs to me that after I open the bedroom door, I must make a hard decision: Do I hop behind Marley to the back slider and let him outside or do I make a pitstop to boil my toes first?

The thought of Karin finding me at the bottom of the stairs dead, naked, and with shit all over my left foot was enough to steer me toward the bathroom.

Having washed up, I went to check on Marley, fully expecting him to have made even more work for me. Thankfully, he was lying on the couch and I could neither see nor smell evidence of another accident. I asked him if he wanted to go outside, but he only sighed and gave me a forlorn look. I think he felt bad about the revolting manner in which I learned of his offense.

It was easily close to an hour before everything normalized and I found my way back to bed. But as is common after experiencing unexpected and bizarre trauma in the wee hours of the night, it was quite impossible to go back to sleep with any sort of quickness. My mind just bounced around between everything from “Did I get the water hot enough?” to “I really should have taken the recent rise in Marley’s flatulence more seriously”.

Anyway, that was all a very long-winded and disgusting way of informing you that I am hella tired today and having a rough go of it. I could have just said that to begin with, but what kind of blog post would that have been?

*No, not really. SPOILER ALERT! What I meant to say instead of "orgy-sex" was "ruthless killing".

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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14 Responses to Rude Awakening

  1. I-Luv-Eeyore says:

    Ohhh…poor Marley. I hope he is feeling better today and that your olfactory glands have recovered from their late night assault.
    Baron choose to sleep for an extended time last night/this morning. He went out last night at about 8:30, went to bed about 9:00 and stayed in bed until well after 11:00 this morning. He just turned eight that is way too young to be getting 'old'. ~sigh~
    So, they moved LOST! to the late time slot. I've recorded it to watch it with my son—is it appropriate for my 12 y/o to see it?

  2. Xeyli says:


  3. Kirk says:

    "I've recorded it to watch it with my son—is it appropriate for my 12 y/o to see it?"Not wanting to ruin things for anyone else who has yet to watch it, I've sent you a PM. But don't worry; I kept the spoilers to a severe minimum! 🙂

  4. OOOOOOOO poor Marley!I hope he's doing OK?And ICK!! stepping in fresh "poo" — just READING that made me want to…. erm, upchuck.(((Marleyhugs)))

  5. IG says:

    Oh noes! Poor Marley! And poor Kirk… Please keep us posted. (Although fewer details next time would be okay, truly, heh.) If memory serves, sometimes the, uh, passage of the, er, troublesome matter is all that needs to happen… Anyway I hope Marley is 100% again now. Your trauma will take some time to heal, I know. 🙂

  6. Steve Betz says:

    Good story — though not one that's very enjoyable to live through. Our old dog does a pretty good job of middle-of-the-night panting that signals "you want me outside FAST!" — she is incredibly mortified at any *mistakes* in the house, and usually won't go in that room for a week on the few times that's happened.

  7. Kevin Wolf says:

    This is a bold, inspiring tale of derring-do and the triumphant human spirit. Thumbs up!

  8. AmyH says:

    Aw, poor Marley. I hope he gets to feeling better soon. 😦

  9. K. says:

    Aww, poor pup. It's so sad when dogs get sick. They look so freakin' sad.

  10. lauowolf says:

    awwpoor Marley and poor you.I get the occasional hairball noise at 3am, but mostly manage to ignore it until morning,

  11. The thought of Karin finding me at the bottom of the stairs dead, naked, and with shit all over my left foot was enough to steer me toward the bathroom.
    I am, of course, very concerned about Marley and hope he feels better very soon…but nearly I sprayed my sip of tea all over the monitor at this one sentence. Well done!
    Seriously, feel better Marley…you are such a cutie-doggy!

  12. Kirk says:

    Marley says thanks for the well-wishes, everyone! He's currently licking himself with a zeal that could only indicate he's feeling much better.

  13. Brown Suga' says:

    Poor Marley! Glad he's fine now.

  14. CrowSeer says:

    "Ew!" for the story, but glad to read that Marley is feeling better. I imagine licking oneself is a powerful incentive, as far as health goes!

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