It Was the Creaking that Kept Me Up – The Creaking of BONE!

Shit, I’m tired. It’s the completely expected side effect of spending the wee hours of the night pleading with my middle-aged body to STOP BITCHING AND LET ME SLEEP! Seriously. My brain, as regular readers well know, is still only about eleven years old, relatively speaking. But the rest of my body is decidedly 41 and not in the suburban milquetoast, I-lettered-in-chess-and-debate sort of way. I don’t have a gray hair on my head, but I can creak and snap and pop with the best most pitiful of them. You haven’t heard the grinding crepitation of bone until you’ve sat next to me while I’m working on a piece of French bread. My jaw pops more than a poorly maintained two-stroke.

But last night it was an evil duel between my left shoulder and my right knee. The shoulder kept insisting that I sleep on my left side so that the weight of my left arm wasn’t pulling down on it and the knee demanded the exact opposite. The only possible compromise was for me to sleep flat on my back with my arms crossed over my chest like Dracula.

So I spent a lot of time last night staring at the ceiling and thinking about things like how it must take vampires a while to get up in the evening after their 300 year old bodies have just lain in the same exact position for ten to twelve hours. I also pondered some stupid stuff. Among the many profound conclusions drawn were:

♠ The number of dogs/cats one possesses is directly proportional to the chances of that person breaking their neck falling down the stairs or cross-sectioning their skull on the sharp edge of a fireplace hearth.

♠ Being able to score codeine in Canada is reason enough to finally get my passport.

♠ The best place for aliens and/or the government to implant a tracer chip would be in the perineum, because who the hell ever looks closely and/or feels around down there?

♠ Some sort of small animal (possibly with an asthma condition) uses my roof as a midnight shortcut.

♠ People with mustaches that go straight down to their chins like Morgan Spurlock’s always remind me of ventriloquist dummies.

♠ I’m old enough now to buy my own damn Krazy Straw, but now I agree with my mother that it would be impossible to clean.

♠ It’s a good thing I’m on vacation since I’m laying here at 3am thinking about a bunch of pointless shit.

So yeah, I'm hella tired. I need some coffee or something. I'd try going back to bed for more sleep, but I'm all sore from laying there for so long.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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15 Responses to It Was the Creaking that Kept Me Up – The Creaking of BONE!

  1. I-Luv-Eeyore says:

    Get a body pillow. Sleep on your left side with the right knee on top of the body pillow. I've been using one since I was pregnant with Jordan 13 years ago and now I can't sleep w/o one.
    Of course I need to do something different: I keep waking up because my left shoulder/arm are tingly and numb due to lack of blood flow. Some how some way I've forgotten how to sleep properly.
    Love your sleep deprived ramblings. Relax on the couch, enjoy your staycation and maybe you'll catch a much needed nap.

  2. Lauri says:

    Oh my lord! I, too, LOVE your sleep deprived ramblings. I felt a smidge of guilt at laughing at your situation…but, then, it wasn't really the situation I was laughing at, it was how wonderful your brain is. I am constantly entertained by my own strange thoughts….an acquaintance once asked "What's it like to live in your brain?" …and she wasn't asking in a nice way.But, it's entertaining as hell to live inside brains like yours and mine, and well…I wouldn't want to be living anywhere else!!!LOL at tracking chips in our perineums. Yeah….I probably got one put there during one of my episiotomies. Darn it. I spelled both those words (per and episi) wrong, but am too lazy to correct them. Too bad so sad. And, thanks for sharing the word "crepitation". I love it. Creptitudinous, decripate. Sounds just like what they are! ;)You're just a youngster, yet, Kirk. I'm 52 and…well…..it gets better in SOME ways…worse in others! ;)Hugs to your decrepit bones!

  3. Lauri says:

    dang..I forgot the This is Good! 🙂

  4. Red Pen says:

    LOL. Is making our own snap-crackle-pop sound effects adequate trade off for the aches and pains? Somehow, I don't think so.

  5. R.G. Ryan says:

    Three AM? I was awake. We could've chatted. Or, better yet, traded stories about swelling prostates, arthritic knees and muscle spasms like real men. 🙂

  6. Kirk says:

    "LOL at tracking chips in our perineums."Upon thinking that, though, I immediately began searching my own perineum for small electronic devices. Doing that'll eat up a good ten fifteen minutes by itself. Plus, you're even more awake than before afterward. 😛

  7. Kirk says:

    "…swelling prostates…" One of the profound discoveries I edited out was: "At some unknown point it became impossible for me to go an entire night without having to get up to pee," but I decided to spare you guys that one.Oh, wait…

  8. Lauri says:

    Bahahaha!!!Ok…here's a question….are all small electronic devices magnetic? If so we can just pass a strong magnet over our parts and if we are implanted we will then know. Just another passing thought. 😛

  9. grrrace says:

    yes. the perineum. that's where i'm gonna put my husband's tracking chip.haha!awesome post 🙂

  10. DJ says:

    I too was up late, watching Zeitgeist on the Internets. Caffeinating all day long…

  11. Rev Stan says:

    Is it wrong to want you to suffer more insomnia so I can read your wee-hour thoughts? (I'm 37 and the bones in my back are always grating and popping which is a horrid feeling. I also regularly get pins and needles in my arms and hands at night…)

  12. tom says:

    I'm sorry, but I'm secretly turned on by a woman who uses "crepitation" and "episiotomies" in the same sentence.

  13. tom says:

    Kirk, you're a mad genius. Believe me, after my past six months, I creak and groan and gurgle like an old riverboat, so you're not the only decrepitating 41 year-old in the nursing home. *Raises a giant mug of coffee and codeine, with a Cthulhu Krazy Straw for maximum creeptacular sipping fun*

  14. Lauri says:

    Ha!!! No "secret" turn ons! Just OUT with it!

  15. MrsPeel says:

    don't hate me but……wait till you cross the 45th portal……
    😦

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