Not To Imply I Shoot At My Pets

We recently acquired a new couch. It’s huge. There’s room between the giant, poofy arms for me to fully stretch out. No more napping with my feet elevated like a traumatic shock victim! Yay! Of course, accommodating a sofa of this magnitude requires a bit of rearranging and by the time it was over, we had successfully confounded the cats.

See, as anyone who serves a feline overlord knows, cats really don’t care much for touching the floor. They wish to be able to relocate to any part of the living area proper by way of tables, chairs, couches, ottomans, television sets, specially designed ramps, peoples’ heads, etc. Needless to say, when furnishings were moved around such that it was no longer an easy hop from the secondary couch to the television, all our cats (with the exception of Stripe who is perpetually asleep) were perplexed and supremely annoyed. The Deej missed the jump the first time, falling a healthy distance to the hardwood floor. Shortly after that, I noticed some of my laundry had gone from white to yellow.

On a completely unrelated note…

Been getting into Nerf guns lately. Should really come as no surprise to those who know me. I’m a 41 year old adolescent. A man who refuses to grow up. I’m basically Peter Pan except that I don’t wear glittery tights (anymore) and have considerably more back-hair. Oh, and the only things I’ve ever fed a crocodile are an electric egg beater and several hits of windowpane LSD.

The problem with being a middle-aged child is that we adults like some "meat" to our gaming and it’s been decades since danger was a toy’s best asset. These days, Nerf guns are next to useless right out of the box and require extensive modifications before they can be considered acceptable sources of enjoyment. Fearing lawsuits from angry parents of recently cyclopean children, toy companies have castrated any products that feature projectiles by either attaching the missile to a string or adding air-restrictors to limit flight. Nerf guns fit into the latter category and as a result, without overhauling, are only effective at point-blank range – perfect for indulging in mock gang-style executions, but not very useful for firefight simulations or tactical indoor warfare (though I must admit the Nerf Maverick lends itself well to faux games of Russian Roulette).

So, after reading up a little on pimping out Nerf guns, Zach and I got right to work. We modified both Nite Finders and Mavericks, the latter being a bitch of a job that got me frothing at the mouth more than once. It was worth it, though, because not only can I hit a target from great distances but the darts can now inflict a small amount of pain. Zachary is 23 and I made him yelp. Bonus! (Click here to witness the potential power of a modified Nerf gun.)

Of course, with such unrestrained power now in our hands, we had to adopt a few rules. Fortunately, the groundwork was laid by others years ago.

The women get involved, too. Some of the most memorable scenarios have arisen between Amanda and me.

One time last week, during a heated gun battle, Amanda and I found ourselves stalking one another around the circuit comprised of the living room, dinning room, and kitchen. I was armed with a single-shot Nite Finder and Amanda had her six-shooter. We’ve all gotten pretty accurate, so none of us feels like we can afford to just up and charge at our adversaries, guns-a-blazin’. A bit of patience and strategy is required if you don’t want two-inches of foam buried in your ear. The shooting had raged hard a few moments before, leaving me with only a single round left, but I was pretty sure Panda was running low on ammo as well. I stood still as I could in the living room, my back against the DVD shelves, listening intently for any indication of Amanda’s position and ammunition status. All I could hear was my own breathing and the moist sound of Diblet cleaning out Edgar’s ears over on the couch.

And then Amanda made a fatal error. From the dining room, just around the corner from where I stood, came the sound of a Nerf Maverick’s cylinder clicking open for reload. Instantly, I knew exactly where she was and that she was temporarily vulnerable. I stepped out from around the DVDs, leveled my gun, and shot Panda square in the side of the head as she futilely fumbled to load her weapon. The victory was so, so sweet.

Flash forward to yesterday afternoon. Amanda was in the middle of making cookies when I arrived home from work and about an hour or so later, when I saw the racks of cookies cooling, I walked over to them saying, “Wow, lookit all the yummy cookies!”

I reached for one…

…and suddenly felt the cold plastic barrel of a Nerf Maverick pressed against the back of my head.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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26 Responses to Not To Imply I Shoot At My Pets

  1. DKN says:

    LOL! You are the perfect couple!

  2. Kirk says:

    We do try to have a good time. ^_^ It was my daughter Amanda and not Karin who I shot in the head, though. Karin's a great sport, but isn't quite as much into the foam warfare as the kids and me, lol.

  3. Lurkertype says:

    Delightful story, well told. "moist sound"?Our feline overlords would be annoyed if they couldn't make the circuit as well. Even if it's shorter to go via the floor, Tortie has to use the furniture. TK will go around the bedroom via curtain rods sometimes.

  4. jaypo says:

    All I could hear was my own breathing and the moist sound of Diblet cleaning out Edgar’s ears over on the couch.LMAO!! That is so perfect, I have the whole scene instantly created in my mind with that sentence. Love it!

  5. Toe-Knee says:

    You rock. A friend of mine has a massive two-piece nerf sniper rifle.. I wonder if it can be modded… oooh the possibilities.

  6. DKN says:

    O. Whoops. Sorry to mix them up! 🙂

  7. Kirk says:

    "A friend of mine has a massive two-piece nerf sniper rifle.. I wonder if it can be modded…" Oh, you just know it can, my friend. Here's a decent Instructable on modding the Nerf Longshot, but it is a tad more extensive than what I had to do to my guns. In fact, he even went so far as to get a new spring from an AR-15 assault rifle. Some people are hard-core! 😛

  8. R.G. Ryan says:

    Cyclopian children????? My, but you do have a way with words, don't you. 🙂

  9. CrowSeer says:

    Ah, the old cookie-trap trick! That was how we Brits captured the Falkland Islands, you know…

  10. Red Mosquito says:

    Nerfing sounds like fun. The boys and I decided to go the Laser Tag route a few years back, when Toys R Us was closing a store. We've had some fun running around the house or outside the house and shooting each other. And there's no fear of putting an eye out or no modding needed, the guns have great range.
    How Neff guns have changed since we were a kid.

  11. Toe-Knee says:

    Yeah, I checked that out just after I mentioned it. The longshot is stashed at my local Gaming club, the president of which famous for modding wargame terrain… I think I may just drop a printout of the mod on his workshop desk and see what might come of it…

  12. snoringKatZ says:

    Ooooh! I've got a Maverick! Well, technically it's the young'un's but it took him almost a year to figure out how to cock it so I call it mine. Amanda sounds like a woman I'd like to know – willing to defend her cookies against all intruders (Bad Dad! Bad!!! WHAP!). She's fierce!

  13. Jillzey says:

    Do you want me to set you up with a play date with my son? He can help you mod a nerf gun in no time. He owns five or six, all modified. He has modified mine, my brother's, my nephew's, my mom's and my dad's. I believe soon he will modify one for Kevin (it isn't fair that he is the only one not armed). We have now moved on to making our own darts with BB pellets in them. They can cause tears if aimed correctly. Which is always sweet when you get in a good shot of your obnoxious older brother. They are a lot of fun.

  14. Kirk says:

    "Do you want me to set you up with a play date with my son?
    He can help you mod a nerf gun in no time."Oh, I've become a master of Nerf modification at this point. In fact, I have brand new ideas of my own. *rubs hands together*"We have now moved on to making our own darts with BB pellets in them. They can cause tears if aimed correctly."I've modified darts but I haven't made my own yet. It's sort of amazing how much difference it makes just adding a BB to a standard Nerf dart. Of course, modifying ammunition breaks the first rule, but then I'm breaking rules all over the place anyway doing this shit at my age, so whatever. 😛

  15. Kirk says:

    "Cyclopian children?????""Cyclopic" is also acceptable, but I liked cyclopean. Supposed to capitalize it, but I never thought cyclops deserved even that amount of respect."My, but you do have a way with words, don't you. :-)" Thanks, man. I do try. Success varies, however.

  16. Jillzey says:

    We just follow one rule. If you don't want to get hit don't pick up the gun. 🙂 The kid has started to design his own gun and build them. It is frightening.

  17. Kirk says:

    "…there's no fear of putting an eye out or no modding needed, the guns have great range."Not to mention ammo that moves at 386,000 per second. 😛

  18. Kirk says:

    "TK will go around the bedroom via curtain rods sometimes."Reason number 422 DG and TK are gud buddies. 😀

  19. bodhibound says:

    dude, this is great. you really make family-having sound pretty awesome. 🙂

  20. Kirk says:

    Thanks, jaypo! 🙂 I knew there would be peeps wanting to know what the cats do during domestic wartime and I thought including that detail would give a clear idea how unmoved the kittehs are by it. A lot of the time, Diblet will run off with our darts!

  21. Kirk says:

    "Amanda sounds like a woman I'd like to know… She's fierce!" You have no idea. 🙂

  22. Kirk says:

    I imagine the real trick is knowing the right kind of dessert. Imagine how terribly wrong it could have gone if they'd have tried using scones!

  23. teh deej says:

    hi this is dgdady if yur missng any nerfdarts i know it cuz diblet and me hided lots of themi also lernd nerfdarts floatee on teh watrok luv you dadydg

  24. bouche says:

    Nerf guns are awesome.

  25. Kzinti says:

    Ah, back in my day, we used to just shoot each other with BB guns or pellet guns in the winter. And we liked it that way! LOL
    If we'd had todays hardware, we'd have been shooting marbles at each other with modified paint ball guns… <evil laugh>

  26. Lurkertype says:

    toof holes in the ammo! I'm sure TK would do the same.

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