We recently acquired a new couch. It’s huge. There’s room between the giant, poofy arms for me to fully stretch out. No more napping with my feet elevated like a traumatic shock victim! Yay! Of course, accommodating a sofa of this magnitude requires a bit of rearranging and by the time it was over, we had successfully confounded the cats.
See, as anyone who serves a feline overlord knows, cats really don’t care much for touching the floor. They wish to be able to relocate to any part of the living area proper by way of tables, chairs, couches, ottomans, television sets, specially designed ramps, peoples’ heads, etc. Needless to say, when furnishings were moved around such that it was no longer an easy hop from the secondary couch to the television, all our cats (with the exception of Stripe who is perpetually asleep) were perplexed and supremely annoyed. The Deej missed the jump the first time, falling a healthy distance to the hardwood floor. Shortly after that, I noticed some of my laundry had gone from white to yellow.
On a completely unrelated note…
Been getting into Nerf guns lately. Should really come as no surprise to those who know me. I’m a 41 year old adolescent. A man who refuses to grow up. I’m basically Peter Pan except that I don’t wear glittery tights (anymore) and have considerably more back-hair. Oh, and the only things I’ve ever fed a crocodile are an electric egg beater and several hits of windowpane LSD.
The problem with being a middle-aged child is that we adults like some "meat" to our gaming and it’s been decades since danger was a toy’s best asset. These days, Nerf guns are next to useless right out of the box and require extensive modifications before they can be considered acceptable sources of enjoyment. Fearing lawsuits from angry parents of recently cyclopean children, toy companies have castrated any products that feature projectiles by either attaching the missile to a string or adding air-restrictors to limit flight. Nerf guns fit into the latter category and as a result, without overhauling, are only effective at point-blank range – perfect for indulging in mock gang-style executions, but not very useful for firefight simulations or tactical indoor warfare (though I must admit the Nerf Maverick lends itself well to faux games of Russian Roulette).
So, after reading up a little on pimping out Nerf guns, Zach and I got right to work. We modified both Nite Finders and Mavericks, the latter being a bitch of a job that got me frothing at the mouth more than once. It was worth it, though, because not only can I hit a target from great distances but the darts can now inflict a small amount of pain. Zachary is 23 and I made him yelp. Bonus! (Click here to witness the potential power of a modified Nerf gun.)
Of course, with such unrestrained power now in our hands, we had to adopt a few rules. Fortunately, the groundwork was laid by others years ago.
The women get involved, too. Some of the most memorable scenarios have arisen between Amanda and me.
One time last week, during a heated gun battle, Amanda and I found ourselves stalking one another around the circuit comprised of the living room, dinning room, and kitchen. I was armed with a single-shot Nite Finder and Amanda had her six-shooter. We’ve all gotten pretty accurate, so none of us feels like we can afford to just up and charge at our adversaries, guns-a-blazin’. A bit of patience and strategy is required if you don’t want two-inches of foam buried in your ear. The shooting had raged hard a few moments before, leaving me with only a single round left, but I was pretty sure Panda was running low on ammo as well. I stood still as I could in the living room, my back against the DVD shelves, listening intently for any indication of Amanda’s position and ammunition status. All I could hear was my own breathing and the moist sound of Diblet cleaning out Edgar’s ears over on the couch.
And then Amanda made a fatal error. From the dining room, just around the corner from where I stood, came the sound of a Nerf Maverick’s cylinder clicking open for reload. Instantly, I knew exactly where she was and that she was temporarily vulnerable. I stepped out from around the DVDs, leveled my gun, and shot Panda square in the side of the head as she futilely fumbled to load her weapon. The victory was so, so sweet.
Flash forward to yesterday afternoon. Amanda was in the middle of making cookies when I arrived home from work and about an hour or so later, when I saw the racks of cookies cooling, I walked over to them saying, “Wow, lookit all the yummy cookies!”
I reached for one…
…and suddenly felt the cold plastic barrel of a Nerf Maverick pressed against the back of my head.