They See Me Rollin’…

I woke up this morning and realized I had finally lost enough hair and gained the appropriate amount of wrinkles and self-loathing to qualify as being eligible for a full-blown mid-life crisis. Not knowing how else to deal with it, I did the only thing I’d ever been told to do when faced with the dilemma of impending old age…

…so, what do you peeps think of my new wheels? It’s a Lotus, baby!

No. I didn't actually go out and spend $67,000 on a glorified go-kart. And if I did decide to buy myself a shiny new racecar, I certainly wouldn't have chosen one that was lemon-drop yellow.

But I did get to take a ride in this glossy beauty last week and while I definitely had a blast finding out what a Lotus Exige S capable of, I can’t really see why anyone would actually purchase one. It’s not that I don’t like sports cars or that I think it’s a bad idea to make a car out of plastic and aluminum; it’s just that for that kind of money, I would want something that didn’t feel like it might fly apart at any moment.

See, the manufacturer wanted the car to be as light as possible because it only holds a 4-cylinder engine. In order to get a four-banger to go from zero-to-sixty in four seconds, they needed to do some serious skimping somewhere. And since it is every bit as important for the car to be outwardly pretty as it is for it to haul ass, the interior is what ends up suffering the most. In other words, what the Lotus Exige S boasts in external beauty, it makes up for with a serious lack of anything resembling luxury on the inside*. Even things like personal comfort and painless entry/exit were thrown out the window in favor of getting the car down to its optimal racing weight.

It was an immensely satisfying drive, though. The seats may have been thin and cushionless and the engine may have been situated directly behind our heads, but that’s all fine when you’re rolling in such a sexy car. But as we were flying down I-5, I suddenly became acutely aware that we were being closely watched. By everyone. I chalked all the attention up to our ludicrous speed at first, but the stares didn’t stop even after we left the interstate and were just tooling along city streets. Fact is, everyone loves to look at an exotic car. It’s really unfortunate that most men who own such fine automobiles eventually convince themselves the looks are actually for them. But I digress.

What I want to impart to you with this post is that if you ever get a chance to roll in an exotic sports car, do take it, because someone paid an obscene amount of money for that ride and it just makes economical sense to take advantage of someone else’s ridiculous spending habits (and grab yourself a wicked adrenalin rush to boot), especially when Mr. Moneybags is outright asking you to.

Just don’t kid yourself. A sexy Lotus only makes you look attractive if you’ve already got it going on. If you’re 41 and balding like me, it just makes you look insecure and ripe for armed robbery.

*Not entirely true. They do come with a pretty nice Alpine stereo system.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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16 Responses to They See Me Rollin’…

  1. R.G. Ryan says:

    Yeah, we got those here in Vegas. This time of year they're called creamatoriums!!!!

  2. Brown Suga' says:

    Neat car — but dude, you'd be sexy even if you were sitting in a dust-brown beat-up ol' jalopy. On the other hand, I wouldn't date Tom Cruise in a kilt even if he were to ride in a shiny cherry-red Ferrari.* Cars do not a sexy man make.I've happily ridden pillion on beat-up Vespas and rattle-bone bikes, because 1) I was more interested in the guy sitting in the front and 2) No one pays attention to beat-up cars, so there's plenty of opportunity to canoodle. Not that I ever got one 😛 Middle-aged sex appeal. U doin it rong.*This may also explain why I'm still single 😛

  3. Kirk says:

    "Middle-aged sex appeal. U doin it rong." Ha! Too funny, Suga'. That's very close to the caption I gave the image when I uploaded it.

  4. Kirk says:

    Oh, and thank you, by the way. *blushes* 🙂

  5. Brown Suga' says:

    LOL! Didn't see that caption at first. Smart minds think alike. :PAlso diggin' your psychedelic Cthulhu profile pic.And, you're welcome. 🙂

  6. CrowSeer says:

    For that kind of money I'd rather have like 6,000 CDs/DVDs… but then I am a geek…

  7. jaypo says:

    Suga is right, Kirk. You don't need nuthin added to be sexy or appealing. I'm sooo glad you're on the ball with the Portrait of…! Every time I see a "hawt" set of wheels and some old dude in it, I'm like "Yup, another mid-life crisis. Doesn't he know how obvious he is?" Sigh. That's what happens when you lack introspection.

  8. Red Mosquito says:

    Great looking car! It even makes you look good 😉 (I'm kidding you.) I thought about renting something exotic in Cali, but it was $250 for just the Mini for a day, and it was $350 for a Porsche for a day. Would have been great though.

  9. Red Pen says:

    The man makes the car, not the other way around. 🙂

  10. Kirk says:

    " For that kind of money I'd rather have like 6,000 CDs/DVDs… but then I am a geek…" Ah, then that means I am, as well. I can think of gobs of things I'd rather possess. I already have a decent car that suits me. My DVD collection is sorely lacking, however. I realized the other day we don't have Pulp Fiction! How do I not have that? Was I distracted by having to purchase Kill Bill basically twice? I'm not sure.Wait… what were we talking about?

  11. Kirk says:

    "Suga is right, Kirk. You don't need nuthin added to be sexy or appealing." *more blushing*"That's what happens when you lack introspection."It's ironic, really, isn't it? Guys like that lack introspection because they fear what they might find looking inside themselves, but the way they compensate for that inability only serves to make them look worse on the outside, where everybody can see. To my mind, it's best to look at the things others can't see and fix the problems there, thereby alleviating the ugly, visible ones.

  12. Kirk says:

    "I thought about renting something exotic in Cali, but it was $250 for just the Mini for a day, and it was $350 for a Porsche for a day. Would have been great though." I'm definitely not down on enjoying a sweet ride in a fancy car, as I mentioned, but buying one is another story entirely, you know?At least the cars you mentioned are comfortable inside. The seats in this car were ultra-thin plastic with no cushioning whatsoever. Combined with the comparatively hard suspension and the fact that my ass was only a foot from the ground, I felt every tiny bump in the road. Had you rented one of these Lotuses, your ass bones would have been all sore on the plane trip home, I promise you.Still, $350 a day is insane for one day in any car. IMO.

  13. Kirk says:

    "The man makes the car, not the other way around." Thanks. If that's true, then after Suga' and jaypo's comments, I feel like they should just give me one of those. Maybe in a nice indigo blue. 😛

  14. Kirk says:

    "Yeah, we got those here in Vegas. This time of year they're called creamatoriums!!!!" Ha ha! Why? Because they have no air-conditioning and it's a gajillion degrees there, or because they drive them so fast in the desert that when they wreck them, they basically provide their own cremation right there on the spot?

  15. It's a track/autocross/canyon toy, not a daily driver.Which is why I want one. 🙂

  16. IG says:

    Ooooh, this one hits sorta close to home. When I first met Mr. IG I was kinda of turned off by his exotic car, which he obviously loved and seemed to think would impress me. Well, it had the opposite effect. I found myself thinking, "Maybe I need to rethink this. He's a great guy, but there's something wrong with him if he feels the need to drive THAT car."I ended up with him anyway, but it was in spite of the car. No one's perfect, right? 🙂

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