This Is What Happens When Amateurs Go Public

So I’m pushing my cart through Albertson’s this morning, minding my own business, when a round, jolly-looking woman comes from out of nowhere (I blame a ridiculously overstocked endcap) and runs her cart straight into the side of mine. There was a moment of startled silence before I spoke up.

“Well,” I deadpanned, “I guess we better exchange insurance information.”

At that, the rotund lady began laughing. Hysterically. And then she started to turn red. Then commenced coughing. And sort of shaking a little. I pretty much watched her pleasure turn into predicament in the span of maybe eight seconds. She was coughing so violently that I thought an internal organ might peek out her mouth momentarily. I started to move to her aid – rather instinctively, I now recollect – but she threw her hand up in that gesture that says, “It’s alright. Don’t freak out. I’ll be fine. This happens all the time.”

And sure enough, a few moments later, she was fully upright and breathing normally again. I think the redness probably lasted a while, though. Wiping her eyes, she said, “Lordy, that struck me funny. He he. Made me swallow hard.”

My relief that she was recovering completely overshadowed any pride I might have had in my flawlessly delivered bit of improv.

The moral of this story is if you’re an amateur and you go around trying to be funny all the time, your lack of professional experience is bound to end up causing casualties eventually. The right joke in the wrong hands delivered the right way to the wrong person might just have the power to kill.

Then the meaning of “funny” starts to slowly mutate until you no longer understand the difference between funny-haha and funny-ohgodthepain. Next thing you know, you’re so maniacally obsessed with making everyone understand your new brand of comedy, you’ll do anything to get their attention, including wear ghastly amounts of makeup and blow stuff up.

By the way, have I mentioned yet how excited I am about the impending premiere of The Dark Night, two weeks* from today? Oh, it’s going to be something. Yes, indeedy.

I’m so excited, in fact, that I made you guys this lovely VOX banner. Feel free to use it as you see fit, at least until WB sends a cease and desist. 😛

Now, in the spirit of early preparation, I must go look up where my nearest IMAX theater is…

*three weeks for my friends in the UK.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
This entry was posted in Can I Say Something? and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to This Is What Happens When Amateurs Go Public

  1. at least until WB sends a cease and desist. :-PYou are the internet police's dream, you do so many bad things…

  2. Kirk says:

    I think this actually probably falls under Fair Use. But then, I'm no attorney. 🙂

  3. Jenn says:

    you crack me up….and the banner, kicks ass. 🙂

  4. Your banner is unbelievabely good, but then, so is your story. Gosh, you're a much nicer person than the people I'm used to. In my family we used to try to make people laugh until they choked on purpose. . There are these Greek cookies, see,covered in powdered sugar. People I know would wait until someone had that cookie close enough to their lips, that if you asked them a question and they tried to answer it,but breathed in first, they might breathe in the powdered sugar and choke. It was a contest to see who could make that happen, ( I never did that, of course. But I was surprised by how many times the ploy was successful. )
    Re: The Dark Knight. My youngest planned his entire holiday to Greece around the opening of that film (That probably sounds unbelievable, but he goes to Greece very summer,cos his dad lives there, so it's not an exotic trip to him any longer) Anyway, after he shifted around all his summer plans, jobs, etc, in order to leave there & be back in time to see the film opening night in the US, he discovers that TDK is opening one day earlier in Europe, Greece included and in fact will be playing in the neighbourhood theatre there as he is flying back on the plane. He was despondent. How cool would it have been to see TDK one day earlier than all his friends here? Than everyone here, in fact? Okay,so his 21st birthday is coming up. A special birthday, yes? What would he like for his birthday? A new ticket return which change fee cost was 200.USD. I am serious. Call me mad, but 200$ for a 21st birthday didn't seem excessive, and how often do you get someone something they really and truly want? I'm his favourite person now. He'll be ther for the opening and another nine days, but promises to see it with me when he comes back. Can't wait till you review the film here!

  5. Amanda says:

    Hello Kirk Starr! Gosh, it's probably been a year since I stopped coming by Vox. But I wanted to pop by and say hello. I hope all is well with you… are you still keeping up with the Buffy Comics?

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