Torturous Tunes

Well, the last meager speck of my appreciation for Metallica has finally been carried aloft and out of sight, never to be reclaimed. That’s quite an event, really, because there was a time when Metallica were nothing short of godlike to me. I held on as a card-carrying fanboy until the release of the aptly named Load. But even after that, I never completely lost hope. I always thought there was a chance they’d come back around and stop acting like self-absorbed douche-bags.

Turns out they weren’t acting. It seems their douche-baggery is all too real.

The Torture Playlist
Justine Sharrock

Let me shift focus for a moment and direct you toward a report by Justine Sharrock entitled The Torture Playlist. In the report, we learn that loud music is an effective psychological tool used during interrogations at places like Guantanamo Bay and that the musical selection ranges from Deicide’s Fuck Your God to Eminem’s White America to, believe it or not, the jingle for Meow Mix cat food.

Now, I don’t want to get into a debate over whether listening to Neil Diamond at a bajillion decibels for three days straight constitutes torture. I’m certain anyone who says it doesn’t would quickly prove to be full of shit were they subjected to such treatment – sleep deprivation’s a bitch – but I don’t want to get too far away from my original point which is that Metallica are total douche-bags.

So anyway, when Rage Against the Machine learned of the manner in which their music was being used at Guantanamo Bay, they wrote the State Department requesting such use be stopped. They may have rage, but they’re not down with torture.

Metallica, by way of contrast, was honored. They were thrilled their cookie-cutter schlock tune Enter Sandman was used to terrorize people who may or may not be enemy combatants. They went fucking batshit with the lawyers when that turd of a song got downloaded through Napster a few thousand times, but they’re totally cool with it being used against people who are deliberately denied legal counsel and due process.

So fuck you, Metallica. You haven’t created anything worth listening to in twenty years. You suck. You’ve completely sold out, forgotten your roots, and become full-on elitist hypocrites. Don't get me started on how you so casually took that great Bob Seger song into the back room and kicked it to death. You’ve gone from being “too fucking metal for radio” to being the premier metal act for the dulled bovine masses. The average age of your fans has dropped from 23 to 13. You are whores.

Cliff wouldn’t even know you.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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15 Responses to Torturous Tunes

  1. Please tell me this isn't real. I, like the rest of us, have suffered thorugh eight years of George W. Bush, but Kirk, I loved that I lived where Lars shopped. I one saw him buying baby diapers. If this is real, it's worse for me than you can possibly imagine. I can't really describe it. As silly as it may seem to some, my heart is broken over this post. It's like discovering that there is no Santa Claus.

  2. Kirk says:

    I know. They used to be the best. I actually started to get a glimpse of the encroaching douche-bagness when I saw a picture of James Hetfield standing in his "trophy room", surrounded by the stuffed carcasses of all the animals he'd killed for sport, a giant shit-eating grin on his face. Never would have thought they'd be all proud of being used as a part of torture, though. *shakes head*I thought about removing the Metallica songs from my VOX audio library, but then I remembered how much it bugs them when people get to hear their music for free and settled on leaving them there. 😛

  3. Brown Suga' says:

    The only song of Metallica that I like is Nothing Else Matters (some live version I don't know of.) I do have a bunch of their other stuff but I don't listen to them. I just got them because they were free downloads! :PI gotta admit, though, that (cello-metal band) Apocalyptica did a smashing job on their cover of Enter The Sandman. I prefer their instrumental covers of Metallica songs than the originals themselves!

  4. They lost me at the douchebagedness of the downloading stuff. good to know I made the right decision.

  5. bouche says:

    Hmm. Dope, BeeGees, David Gray? I feel and urge to delete some tracks now. Maybe they don't want it on there, but it'll be hard for me to hear it without thinking of how it was used.I say we lock 'em up and make 'em listen to "Dirrty" for a few hours so they can truly appreciate the honor of being an instrument of torture. Then again, I'm not a sadist and they'd probably treat it like a Disney ride.

  6. bodhibound says:

    Very nicely said, sir. Absolutely.

  7. Jay says:

    MEOW MIX!!!Ha.All ethical and moral discussion aside, the idea of detainees being threatened by American soldiers playing the Meow Mix commercial through a boom box creates an amusing mental image. To me, anyway."What do cats ask for by name?!"*sobbing* "I….I don't know…""WHAT DO CATS ASK FOR BY NAME!!??""I do not know!!""I THINK YOU DO!!!" *finger hovers over "play" button.*

  8. grrrace says:

    what a bunch of douches. *shakes head* i probably shouldn't be surprised, but i am.

  9. I should know better by now than to expect talent I love to have the integrity to match, but every time I hear something like this, it's a blow to me. I can ignore general bad behaviour, but when it comes to politics, I just can't. That's why i went out and bought The Dixie Chicks even though I'm not a fan of that type of music. They were the only ones who had the guts to stand up to this administration. It's so ironic that they're music represents revolution and not Metallica's, but I'm no longer buying any of M's stuff as of this post, since pocketbook seems to mean so much to them.

  10. Kirk says:

    You, sir, are a comic genius. Fortunately, I'm man enough to deal with commenters being funnier than me. 🙂

  11. Kirk says:

    "I prefer their instrumental covers of Metallica songs than the originals themselves!" I'll have to find my Metallica tribute CD recorded by Die Krupps. They covered Enter Sandman, too, I think. We could compare their version to Apocalyptica's and see who does a better job of making the song not suck quite as much.

  12. Lurkertype says:

    Way to go, I think we needed that laugh. The Barney theme made me snerk a bit too — truly tortuous.I wouldn't delete the other songs, I'm sure the artists didn't approve the use before or after, like RATM. Except for Metallica.I say their music should be downloaded a lot, but never listened to. And the bootlegs should all have a message attached informing the downloaders who do listen of this issue. Poison the well!

  13. I actually read that when the ATF besieged the Waco compound that they played "Achy Breaky Heart" in a continuous loop for a very long time. That, to me, seems like cruel and unusual punishment. NO one deserves that.Metallica seem to be too big for their britches. Especially britches who seem to have been recycled out of the same chord progressions and rhythms the last 10 years. Good for Rage against the Machine, though how ironic. They actually were tools of the machine for a while.

  14. Josh says:

    Lars is a smug little bitch. I do like Kirk, though. He seems less douchy than the other two fucktards (Lars and James). That new bass player dude doesn't have a say in the band, I'm sure, so he doesn't count. So, as sad as this sound, this post and their stance doesn't surprise me one bit.
    Download all their albums on their internets just to spite their douchy asses!

  15. Toe-Knee says:

    My friends and I occasionally mourn how Metallica died in that horrible plane crash 8 years ago. It was a tragic event and a great loss for music, but they're in a better place and immortalized in my soul.

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