Confection Protection

Realizing when I got in to work this morning that my toothpaste had failed me miserably and left my breath in its basest state of rancor, I retrieved a brand new tin of Altoids from my desk drawer. The lid was held tightly shut by a band of thick cellophane that happened to have a vertical red stripe, presumably indicating where to pull in order to most easily remove the protective plastic. I pulled and pried with everything I had in me, but it was like trying to peel a hockey puck. The plastic band simply would not give.

The red stripe glared at me. “You’re a fucking wimp,” it finally snorted in disgust. Of course, life’s to short to take shit from the cellophane on a tin of Altoids, so I got out the trusty Benchmade. But even as I cavalierly sliced that red strip right down the middle, the little bastard's derision endured. “Wassamatter, princess? Aw, need Mr. Pigstabber to do it for you? Maybe your mommy could help. About time for her to change your diaper anyway, isn’t it, Shirley?”

So now I know. If you want to enjoy curiously strong breath mints, it helps if you yourself are also curiously strong. I suppose that goes without saying, but I never expected packaging so clever as to test the consumer’s strength prior to relinquishing the product.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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5 Responses to Confection Protection

  1. Xeyli says:


  2. Cat says:

    LOL thanks for that laugh..I needed it..and the visual..

  3. jaypo says:

    Heh. I'm totally addicted to Altoids gum. They're easier to open and when they're gone you have yet another small tin that may come in handy some day. Just like the mints.

  4. tom says:

    If your breath was that vile, it seems like the cellophane would have melted away.BTW, there is a lovely new gem from the LIfe Savers people: Breath Savers extra. Truly powerful mints, with caffeine. Each three mint serving contains as much caffeine as half a cup of coffee. They dissolve quickly so you can get down several servings after sneaking whiskey shots in the men's room. Haven't had a drink in over three years, but I still have mad skillz.

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