The Ouija Board Was Merely a Seductive Decoy

I’ve mentioned before how I am occasionally gifted with various items from the vendors for whom I design advertising materials. Most of the time, the items given to me are inexpensive tchotchkes publicizing some new product or simply promoting the company’s brand.

One such item I received a while back was a miniature Magic 8 Ball. It was about the size of an actual billiard ball but the polyhedron inside with the answers on it was full-size, so you really had to shake the hell out of the thing to get the answer to be different each time.

Will I throw my arm out of the socket if I keep asking questions?

Reply hazy, try again

Am I about to throw my arm out of the goddamned socket!?

Reply hazy, try again


Signs point to yes

So I decided to take hammer to the little sarcastic bastard. And to make sure it had no misconceptions about who the bitch was in our relationship, I even asked it ahead of time if I should do such a drastic thing. I must admit I was impressed by the number of times it was able to repeat:

Better not tell you now

After countless tries, I eventually got a different answer. But the tiny phrase that finally appeared through the ball’s inky fluid immediately gave me a chill, for it was not one of the twenty standard responses.

Now, don’t misunderstand me here; I was not so naïve as to think a cheap knock-off would contain precisely the same set of comebacks as the famous original. The disturbing thing is that the reply staring back at me was not just any arbitrarily substituted assertion, but rather a very pointed and specific set of profoundly terrifying words. I don’t know how, but that forbidding little oracle retaliated against my cruel question by tapping into my strongest emotions and devising its answer accordingly. I felt strangely cold and alone as I stared in shock at the words pressing against the tiny little window:

The stars say no

The 8-ball had channeled the consciousness of Great Cthulhu himself!


All that remains of the evil (and I suspect ancient) artifact is the bone-white, embossed polyhedron. It rests somewhere secluded and secure with the dreadful reply from R’lyeh face down. The remaining broken pieces have been scattered far and wide in hopes they never reunite. I would implore you, dear reader, to make no attempts at locating the malevolent bauble. You may feel you have the fortitude to harness and control such power, but the very best you can hope for is a dislocated shoulder and hammer with its head stained a deep indigo blue.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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19 Responses to The Ouija Board Was Merely a Seductive Decoy

  1. SweetMisery says:

    very spooky little toy. yikes.

  2. Scott says:

    What the hell is in those things, anyhow? India ink?

  3. JJ says:

    Try that again after 7 beers and a joint of good marijuana.

  4. northerngeek says:

    Bury the pieces all over the yard…get an old priest and a young priest to come by and spray holy water through the garden hose….best of luck to you

  5. Red Pen says:

    Oh, but these things are always found and brought back to malevolent life. At least that's how it happens in the movies.

  6. JJ says:

    elaborate more on the old and young priests bit.

  7. Kirk says:

    "What the hell is in those things, anyhow? India ink?" According to this report, "tests have found it to be nothing more than water with blue dye."I am convinced, however, that the one I destroyed was filled with squid ink of the most profane and immortal sort.

  8. Scott says:

    I am convinced, however, that the one I destroyed was filled with squid ink of the most profane and immortal sort.
    Wow–you mean you destroyed Ann Coulter?!

  9. AmyH says:

    LOL @ Scott!
    I always thought Magic 8 Balls were filled with some kind of toxic fluid that would poison the atmosphere if ever released. Now that I know it's actually an Ann Coulter pod, I'm not comfortable having it here on my desk where it can watch my daily happenings. o_O

  10. Kirk says:

    "…you mean you destroyed Ann Coulter?!" Good lord, man, no. I mean, it's not like the Sword of the Archangel Michael is just lying around my house or anything.I suppose it's possible it was one of her eggs, though surely there's another acceptable magical component that one doesn't have to sift through yards of decaying offal to acquire.

  11. northerngeek says:

    The Exorcist…the movie…the old priest and the young priest go to the house…etc etc (original movie)

  12. Kirk says:

    I've been reading some eldritch religious materials and I'm starting to suspect these complicated rituals we go through to sublimate Christian demons would at best serve as pre-dinner comedic entertainment for the likes of Cthulhu. When those stars are finally right, we're all so screwed.

  13. Toe-Knee says:

    Nice… did I ever show you the Cthulu storylines in ghastly?

  14. Kirk says:

    "…rituals we go through to sublimate Christian demons…" Of course, I meant "subjugate", not "sublimate". Gah.

  15. Kirk says:

    "…did I ever show you the Cthulu storylines in ghastly?" Does sound familiar. Repost the link and I'll know for sure. 🙂

  16. Toe-Knee says:

    Oh dear… I almost had a heart-attack when I saw the new front page he put up. I laughed for five minutes I swear… lol I won't post that link because you might not forgive me, go there at your own risk, but here are some of the cthulu strips.

  17. Jay says:

    Hm. It seems you didn't see this yet.I should really make my little jokes more obvious.

  18. Kirk says:

    "I should really make my little jokes more obvious." I assure you it has less to do with the prominence of your posts and more to do with the absurdity of my VOXing habits. :)Thanks for pointing me toward that particular post, though, because it has convinced me that the job I did was not thorough enough. I must take further measures…*stumbles off as if disoriented*

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