I’ve mentioned before how I am occasionally gifted with various items from the vendors for whom I design advertising materials. Most of the time, the items given to me are inexpensive tchotchkes publicizing some new product or simply promoting the company’s brand.
One such item I received a while back was a miniature Magic 8 Ball. It was about the size of an actual billiard ball but the polyhedron inside with the answers on it was full-size, so you really had to shake the hell out of the thing to get the answer to be different each time.
Will I throw my arm out of the socket if I keep asking questions?
Reply hazy, try again
Am I about to throw my arm out of the goddamned socket!?
Reply hazy, try again
AM I GOING TO THROW MY ARM OUT OF TH– AAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Signs point to yes
So I decided to take hammer to the little sarcastic bastard. And to make sure it had no misconceptions about who the bitch was in our relationship, I even asked it ahead of time if I should do such a drastic thing. I must admit I was impressed by the number of times it was able to repeat:
Better not tell you now
After countless tries, I eventually got a different answer. But the tiny phrase that finally appeared through the ball’s inky fluid immediately gave me a chill, for it was not one of the twenty standard responses.
Now, don’t misunderstand me here; I was not so naïve as to think a cheap knock-off would contain precisely the same set of comebacks as the famous original. The disturbing thing is that the reply staring back at me was not just any arbitrarily substituted assertion, but rather a very pointed and specific set of profoundly terrifying words. I don’t know how, but that forbidding little oracle retaliated against my cruel question by tapping into my strongest emotions and devising its answer accordingly. I felt strangely cold and alone as I stared in shock at the words pressing against the tiny little window:
The stars say no
The 8-ball had channeled the consciousness of Great Cthulhu himself!
All that remains of the evil (and I suspect ancient) artifact is the bone-white, embossed polyhedron. It rests somewhere secluded and secure with the dreadful reply from R’lyeh face down. The remaining broken pieces have been scattered far and wide in hopes they never reunite. I would implore you, dear reader, to make no attempts at locating the malevolent bauble. You may feel you have the fortitude to harness and control such power, but the very best you can hope for is a dislocated shoulder and hammer with its head stained a deep indigo blue.