WASHINGTON — Presidential hopeful John McCain announced Friday that he has recently been suffering an insatiable longing for “the unyielding influence of a savage and unrelenting torture session.”
The comment came after the Arizona Senator was questioned regarding his campaign’s flip-flop decision to attend tonight’s debate with Senator Barack Obama. “I’ve been feeling this yearning for a while now,” he said tenderly fondling a pair of Purple Heart medals. “I guess I just long to have my ass soundly kicked one last time. So, yes, I will be at that debate tonight and I look forward to receiving a truly astounding beating. It’s going to be just like old times.”
The venerable Senator then spent the next forty minutes detailing the “stimulating and enlightening” experiences of his “glory days” at the hands of Communist torturers. “Boy, you really know who you are when another man is mercilessly pummeling you,” McCain concluded. “After tonight, I expect I’ll see things more clearly than I ever have before.”
The first presidential debate of 2008 will be held tonight at the University of Mississippi at 8:00pm CDT.