McCain Now Longing for “Familiar Brutality”

WASHINGTON — Presidential hopeful John McCain announced Friday that he has recently been suffering an insatiable longing for “the unyielding influence of a savage and unrelenting torture session.”

The comment came after the Arizona Senator was questioned regarding his campaign’s flip-flop decision to attend tonight’s debate with Senator Barack Obama. “I’ve been feeling this yearning for a while now,” he said tenderly fondling a pair of Purple Heart medals. “I guess I just long to have my ass soundly kicked one last time. So, yes, I will be at that debate tonight and I look forward to receiving a truly astounding beating. It’s going to be just like old times.”

The venerable Senator then spent the next forty minutes detailing the “stimulating and enlightening” experiences of his “glory days” at the hands of Communist torturers. “Boy, you really know who you are when another man is mercilessly pummeling you,” McCain concluded. “After tonight, I expect I’ll see things more clearly than I ever have before.”

The first presidential debate of 2008 will be held tonight at the University of Mississippi at 8:00pm CDT.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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12 Responses to McCain Now Longing for “Familiar Brutality”

  1. mariser says:

    dewd. is this The Onion, or is it you?
    if The Onion: good work
    if yours: whoa sir! very impressive! [golf clap]

  2. shush now says:

    Awesome, just awesome.

  3. Lauri says:

    This does sound like Teh Onion, mariser!!!Do you write for that venerable vegetable now, Kirk???May I say, though, that I thought at first that this was 100% TRUE. I can imagine McCain going once AGAIN through the litany of his sufferings. Anything rather than talk about actually doing something! URGGGH. I don't know if I can watch it! I don't know if I can't watch it. I'm a quandry wrapped up in a conundrum. With mayo and a pickle.

  4. Kirk says:

    "dewd. is this The Onion, or is it you?"That's all me, baby! I'm flattered you think it's Onion quality! :DI honestly can't believe McCain blinked. He pilfers Obama's theme of "Change", backpedals constantly, and now this? Anyone who doesn't see his continual and meaningless posturing for what it is must be blinded by partisanship.

  5. mariser says:

    I honest-to-goodness thought it was The Onion.
    I then realized you wouldn't post it without attribution so it had to be you. it is very very good. especially the 2nd paragraph.

  6. Kirk says:

    "This does sound like Teh Onion, mariser!!! "My hat size just went up again…"Do you write for that venerable vegetable now, Kirk???
    "I wish."May I say, though, that I thought at first that this was 100% TRUE." The very crux of good satire. Maybe The Onion should hire me.

  7. YGRS says:

    haha!! I get pissed off so easily these days, that when I read this, I thought it was real…( not even the Onion — real!) And I started to get angry inside…..Then when the other peeps had you tagged, I felt relieved again…I'm really gullible, aren't I? — But it SOUNDS like something stupid that he'd do Can't wait to get home to see the debate tonight! I hope Obama's is top form!(and don't do this kind of stuff to me again, ok? sheesh.)

  8. jaypo says:

    Good work, Kirk. It's an authentic fake which fooled us all! The pict – pure pugnacity.

  9. Scio, Scio says:

    I'm watching the debate right now, and my worst fears are in fact not being realized. McCain seems to be doing well. However, my thinking is that Barack Obama needs only to avoid a major slip-up to break even whereas McCain needs to make up ground. So far, ?obama hasn't called for anything too terrible except his policies. Nothing to really offend.i'm drinking my way through this one, so my take may be colored.

  10. Kirk says:

    "I'm watching the debate right now…"That's where I've been and I didn't really wanna bother with the laptop."…obama hasn't called for anything too terrible except his policies…"
    Ah, I see alcohol doesn't blunt your razor wit. :)Obama exhibited all the traits of a skilled debater, though I'm actually a little disappointed in him for going too easy on McCain. He could have done a much better job of hammering McCain's support of Bush's numerous and significant mistakes."…i'm drinking my way through this one, so my take may be colored." You are free to retract any statements heretofore presented in this thread as being influenced by mood-altering substances and therefore immaterial. We can discuss after you've had some sleep. 🙂

  11. bouche says:

    Nice article.God it was so annoying to watch McCains reactions. What, was he channeling his inner "sassy teen"? I watched a story earlier today on various things candidates have done in the past that had cost them support (Like Gore's sigh, Bush's Clock watching)… I'm hoping others were agitated with his reactions as I was.I liked how Barack brought up "bomb Iran". That was sweet.

  12. Lurkertype says:

    I thought it was the Onion too, till I realized there weren't no link.

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