The Ironic Failure of Mess Hall Methodology

Hanging over the deli counter at my local Albertson’s is a titanic hoagie – just the thing when you have four hundred perfectly identical palates to satisfy. It rests on a wood cutting board and is intricately garnished, presumably to entice shoppers into throwing down the relatively large sum of scratch commanded by such a magnificent sandwich.

Holy shit! It’s got cucumber and pickles! And wouldja lookit the size of those pepperoncinis!? I heard Jenna Jameson choked on one like that once!

Something about the display nagged me, though. I took a closer look at the sandwich and commented to the woman behind the counter that it would be far more appealing if it wasn’t so obviously made of plastic.

“It’s actually real,” she replied flatly, “It’s just been there a really long time.”


I suppose I should have noted the marked lack of condiments sooner. Having an off day, I guess.

I finished my shopping thinking about petrified pepperoncinis and ossified olives and loaves of bread resembling lacquered soapstone. By the time I was standing in line to checkout, I had arrived at several firm resolutions:

♠ It is better to claim your food props are plastic than admit they’ve merely become plastic over time.

♠ The fact your deli meat doesn’t change color after being left unrefrigerated for months is not a viable selling point.

♠ A sandwich is, at most, a two-serving entrée. Just because you make it phallic and call it a submarine doesn’t mean you can keep adding ingredients until it feeds an entire military branch.

♠ The guy who invented the six foot hero should be forced into a deathmatch cage fight with the jerk that came up with the square pizza.

♠ I need to find a new deli.


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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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7 Responses to The Ironic Failure of Mess Hall Methodology

  1. YGRS says:

    eww yeah — that's pretty unappetizing…I guess there are so many preservatives in the lunchmeat, but wouldn't you think it would have gotten moldy anyway??? I wonder how much of the display food that I thought was plastic was real too…yuck.

  2. In 1982 we had one of those giant hoagies at an anthropology department party. It went well with the pony keg.Yeah. We all did things in the 80s of which we are no longer proud.

  3. Karin says:

    "The guy who invented the six foot hero should be forced into a
    deathmatch cage fight with the jerk that came up with the square pizza."You just made coca cola come out my nose. thanks.

  4. bouche says:

    Wow… and to think in some places they call that a health code violation! I take it that store has no flies? No, don't open the bun!

  5. CrowSeer says:

    I worry that they might take some DNA samples from that hoagie, and use them to create a theme park filled with monstrous foodstuffs. Sure, at first it's all "yum" and "tasty"… but then there's running… and screaming… 😮

  6. Valerae says:

    I used to have fun making the giant subs back in my days of working at scrubway. Luckily ours were all made and sold on the same day…otherwise, nasty.

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