Dude. What was up with dragging my peanut butter toast to the floor this morning? And then getting your little asshole accomplice Centripetal Force to flip it over facedown!? What the shit was that all about!? It was a dick move and you know it.
Look, I totally get that you take your job seriously and how you’d feel like less of a timeless scientific phenomenon if you compromised your beloved relativity constants. But, see, there’s keeping the universe in perfect balance and then there’s picking on tiny humans for having the audacity to attempt putting bread and peanut butter together while so obviously deficient of both sleep and blood sugar.
I realize your calling is extremely important and exacting. I understand it pretty much requires you to regularly effect terrible fates upon perfectly innocent people and I certainly don’t think losing my toast is on the same level as all the toddlers you’ve had to suck down wells or even the numerous iPods you’ve felt obligated to drop into filthy toilets. I just think that for someone with such lofty responsibilities, you sure spend a lot of time testing to see how many people employ the Five-Second Rule.
I’m left to assume you’re a passive-aggressive asshole busybody who justifies ruining my breakfast by claiming even the minutest shortfall in thoroughness would constitute a leap backwards to the deluded theories of Aristotle and LeSage on the subject.
And I don’t want us to have that kind of relationship, you know? I want us to get along. Not just because peanut butter is hell of expensive and urinating would be so much more problematic, but because I admire and respect you. We have so much history. You were there whenever I scraped my knee or was knocked unconscious or had to throw up. Hell, I’ve known you my entire life!
Anyway, I know you mean well and I’m sorry I used some harsh language. I just think you’re working yourself too hard and that it probably wouldn’t kill you if you looked the other way the next time a slice of peanut butter toast is hanging a bit too far over the edge of the counter. You can always make it drop the instant you see someone go for a video camera. No big deal.
P.S. Oh, and for the record: I’d have still eaten it if C-Force hadn't added that extra 180° to its rotation. That’s where you guys messed up. Took it too far and blew it.