An Open Letter To Gravity


Dude. What was up with dragging my peanut butter toast to the floor this morning? And then getting your little asshole accomplice Centripetal Force to flip it over facedown!? What the shit was that all about!?  It was a dick move and you know it.

Look, I totally get that you take your job seriously and how you’d feel like less of a timeless scientific phenomenon if you compromised your beloved relativity constants. But, see, there’s keeping the universe in perfect balance and then there’s picking on tiny humans for having the audacity to attempt putting bread and peanut butter together while so obviously deficient of both sleep and blood sugar.

I realize your calling is extremely important and exacting. I understand it pretty much requires you to regularly effect terrible fates upon perfectly innocent people and I certainly don’t think losing my toast is on the same level as all the toddlers you’ve had to suck down wells or even the numerous iPods you’ve felt obligated to drop into filthy toilets. I just think that for someone with such lofty responsibilities, you sure spend a lot of time testing to see how many people employ the Five-Second Rule.

I’m left to assume you’re a passive-aggressive asshole busybody who justifies ruining my breakfast by claiming even the minutest shortfall in thoroughness would constitute a leap backwards to the deluded theories of Aristotle and LeSage on the subject.

And I don’t want us to have that kind of relationship, you know? I want us to get along. Not just because peanut butter is hell of expensive and urinating would be so much more problematic, but because I admire and respect you. We have so much history. You were there whenever I scraped my knee or was knocked unconscious or had to throw up. Hell, I’ve known you my entire life!

Anyway, I know you mean well and I’m sorry I used some harsh language. I just think you’re working yourself too hard and that it probably wouldn’t kill you if you looked the other way the next time a slice of peanut butter toast is hanging a bit too far over the edge of the counter. You can always make it drop the instant you see someone go for a video camera. No big deal.


P.S. Oh, and for the record: I’d have still eaten it if C-Force hadn't added that extra 180° to its rotation. That’s where you guys messed up. Took it too far and blew it.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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14 Responses to An Open Letter To Gravity

  1. (Sigh) Sorry to say, peanut butter sandwiches are only the start. Wait a few more years to see Mr. Gravity on your face and your backside. That Mr. Gravity sure has a very mean-spirited sense of humor. ; )

  2. This just makes me smile.The irony is that while reading this my bag of Jalapeno potato chips gravitated to the floor and it made me discover my missing knitting marker. Go figure.

  3. Lauri says:

    Lol!Not only did this make me lol, now I am hungry. *tiptoes out to see if gravity won't notice*

  4. Budd says:

    Aw man. hopefully you made another piece.

  5. GinBaby says:

    Gravity always seems to pick on me when I'm tired, too. That bastard. I'll bet he was the school bully, always picking on the weak.

  6. Kirk says:

    "I'll bet he was the school bully, always picking on the weak." Oh, you know it. Loft and Glide both hate his rotten guts. Rumor has it he actually murdered Levitate, or at the very least locked him away in a vault somewhere…

  7. kalita says:

    I'm sorry, but I'm firmly in the camp of peanut butter=disgusting, so I have no sympathy there. But, your mention of the Five-Second Rule reminded me of this. 🙂

  8. G says:

    Well sorry but I am with gravity on this. Mostly because without it we'd explosively decompress. Which would suck. Well…actually it would "blow" I suppose, but not itn the good way.
    Though I wouldn't mind if it were say half of what it is now. That should still work…and make tides really interesting…and reduce the world's population somewhat..which is always a good thing…

  9. Kelly Bee says:

    No way! I had peanut butter toast this morning, AND it fell upside down on my pants while I was driving to work. Learned my lesson about eating a driving, though…

  10. Kirk says:

    "…your mention of the Five-Second Rule reminded me of this." Now, that's some good stuff right there. Thanks!

  11. GinBaby says:

    I was wondering what happened to my old pal, Levitate. Revenge will be mine!

  12. Toe-Knee says:

    You make the most simple occurrences sound extraordinary. That's why I love this blog. On a side note, why not make these simple laws of nature work for you, a good friend of mine believes he can create a perpetual motion machine by taking a cat and gluing a piece of buttered toast on it's back. The result being that with cats always landing on their feet and toast always landing butter-side-down, one could create an infinite energy source, throw two cats of opposite sexes, and a few extra loafs and you could have a breeder reactor.

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