Move Over, Intelligent Design!

The Onion has once again done the fearless, intrepid reporting that deftly lays bare the ulterior motives of the MSM and the philosophical blindness of today’s dogmabots*. While the Fox News staff triples their intake of Tums over the whole “Creationism in Schools” debate and CNN does its best to make more out of a slimy, baleful fat-ass than he deserves, America’s Finest News Source is reporting on a guy who wants to see the ancient rites of the Shoggoths taught as curriculum so that a slimy, baleful fat-ass named Cthulhu will get the recognition he not only deserves, but demands!

Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum

March 2, 2009

ARKHAM, MA—Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district's monthly meeting Tuesday.”

I must assume the guy is a close relative of the legendary Misktaonic medical student and martyr, Herbert West. Considering the terrible way in which the older West met his fate, I’m sort of surprised to see his surname spring up in this way, but then I guess it’s difficult even for academic types to move away from long-established and domestically reinforced modes of thinking.

"Our schools are orderly, sanitary places where students dwell in blissful ignorance of the chaos that awaits,” West said. “Should our facilities be repaired? No, they must be razed to the ground and rebuilt in the image of the Cyclopean dwellings of the Elder Gods, the very geometry of which will drive them to be possessed by visions of the realms beyond."

You see his point, right? Gods, by definition, exist outside our realm of understanding. It stands to reason, then, that any scientist choosing to actively incorporate faith into science must invariably find metaphysical ways to reconcile the two. Some do this passively – almost unknowingly – by slowly and methodically attributing convenient but illogical explanations to paradoxes, eventually verifying to themselves whatever meanings they wish. Others, however, do their best to remain perfectly rational but come to find the complexity and potential volatility of their subjects has extended beyond the scope of their very sanity. Opposite of the stringently lawful awareness of the first group, the supposed enlightenment of the second group is an acceptance of chaos and entropy as the only universal constants. I fear the subject of this news story fits into the latter group.

"Charles sure likes to bang on that madness drum,” fellow school board member Danielle Kolker said. “I'm not totally sold on his plan to let gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and fear of our students. But he is always on time to help set up for our spaghetti suppers, and his bake sale goods are among the most popular.

"I must admit, he's very convincing,” Kolker added.

See how simple it is to influence people? Being eloquent, intelligent and concise will only send the message you are a patronizing elitist; showing up early for events and knowing just the right amount of vanilla to add to the tollhouse cookie dough goes a hell of a lot further toward getting people to listen to your insane ramblings.

Immediately before the vote on his motion, which was defeated eight to one, West gave his final remarks, arguing that the children are our future and that it's the school board's obligation to make sure they are fully versed in the unspeakable horrors still to come.

He’s probably right. It doesn’t do well for us to only look at the happy, shiny side of life, does it? Do that and the next thing you know some Eldritch behemoth is knocking your skyscrapers down and chomping your head clean off! It might be best to seek out dread Cthulhu’s minions wherever they may (or may not) be and eradicate them, because the arduous alternative is to render the Old Ones powerless by forsaking fear and courageously championing reality and reason. Alas, few have that level of temerity. “It would be nice not to feed the murderous beasts of chaos,” they insist, “but what can you do? Cut off your own head?”

It’s usually best to plan for the worst-case scenario, so from a purely pragmatic standpoint, West’s suggestion is probably the most logical since our children will be living “amid the ruins of sunken cities infested with swarms of ravenous, bloated rats” regardless of which religion ends up being responsible for starting the apocalypse.

I should probably let local Universities know I'm expertly knowledgeable in all things Eldritch and that I'm available.

*Hey, I coined a term! A combination of “dogma” and “robots”. Dogmabots (not to be confused with genuinely devoted spiritual believers).

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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10 Responses to Move Over, Intelligent Design!

  1. Emmi says:

    Hysterical. Where are we going to have room to teach all this in addition to the Flying Spaghetti Monster? (I mean, Fox News is after all a new source, so that automatically makes them unbiased, right)?
    I've been shamelessly passing around this link, this guy "defended" evolution in the Kansas trial (reinacted on the Nova special) and he was on Fora Tv too. Just pointing it out because it's hours of fun listening to someone who can argue the creationists into the mud.
    Shocking in the trial was the testimony that so much fossil evidence never made it into the textbooks, which is why seemingly sane people have never heard of evolution "evidence".

  2. Toe-Knee says:

    Does Eldritch lore include the Pastafarian teachings as well? I rather like the Giant Spaghetti Monster, he's like the Great Chthulu's tree-hugging liberal neighbor. The Ned Flanders of Yog-Soloth if you will… (I hope the great Chthulu excuses my horrible spelling.)

  3. Lauri says:

    I love it!!!Teach it ALL!!!I am a Pastafarian. I could become an Eldwitch, too! 😀

  4. tom says:

    The guy supports Freshman basketball, so he's clearly unbalanced. ;-)Actually, if he shows up on time for the spaghetti suppers, perhaps he is influenced by the Spaghetti Monster. Could the students actually write any worse? I vote for his plan. And may Whomever bless the Onion (for whom you should write, if you weren't making brilliant piratey things.)

  5. AmyH says:

    Many years ago The Onion did a piece on the Fundamentalist Aesopians, and how everything that happened in the Fables indeed happened. Oh, I found it. Enjoy!

  6. Lurkertype says:

    Fabulous, Kirk — you've outdone the Onion!I want all the Native Americans to demand that their tribe's particular beliefs be taught in the schools, not just on the rez, but in the state in which they reside. Arizona better be teaching the Navajo and Hopi creation stories. Let's give the fundies a quiz on Spider Woman and the kachinas. Ditto the Lakota beliefs in all of North and South Dakota. The Carolinas and Oklahoma? Better be talking Cherokee stories. And so on for all the states.Then let's get more Pastafarians, Wiccans, Hindus (turtles! Vishnu!), etc.Pile it on till they have to give up and decide just to teach the non-religious version to everyone.I'm hoping someone will take the Onion's eldritch idea and run with it, like the FSM guy did with his.

  7. AmyH says:

    I love the trickster Coyote stories. What a silly guy he is!
    I also want those Hindu (?) stories about the army of monkeys included in the canon. Awesome.

  8. Lurkertype says:

    Yep, the kids in your 'hood better be able to recite Coyote stories too.The Monkey King! Lord Krishna and the milkmaids! Buddha and the bo-tree! Ragnarok, Thor, and the Frost Giants!

  9. Erin says:

    Kirk, you are pure genius. Keep it coming.

  10. Budd says:

    I for one don't see the contradiction of Evolution/big bang theory and a God that is smart enough to use those as a means of creation. But I may be alone here in logical thought land.

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