DG Also Stands for “Dubious Ginsu”

When something startles you, is your first instinct to immediately whip out a staggering array of razor-sharp knives and start swinging them wildly about?

Of course not. Civilized beings don’t just up and violently eviscerate the closest living thing simply because a car backfired.

And that’s why, despite their amazing agility, resilience, and ability to grow thumbs, cats have failed to become the dominant species on the planet. I mentioned before that laying claim to things by peeing on them probably had a lot to do with halting any advancement they were making in the area of culture, but certainly the habit of unpredictably slicing up your neighbors made compiling a workable system of etiquette utterly impossible.

What I’m getting at is that yesterday in the CimC home, the sound of a broom handle striking the floor was sufficient to cause the World’s Sweetest Kitteh Ever to transform, in precisely one sixteenth of a second, from purring fuzzball to whirling flesh-shredder.

Yup, DG cut me up but good.

My face took the rake from the back feet while my throat received about twenty-six smaller scratches from Deej’s front paws. The lip cut is hell of deep. Took several minutes to stop the bleeding and I’m pretty sure there will be a permanent scar. Shaving should be a real hoot.

DG felt terrible about it, I could tell. About an hour after the incident, Karin and I were sitting on the couch watching TV when DG’s little head popped up from the other side of the coffee table and stared at me with his big, black pupils. After a few moments, I spoke his name and he emitted the cutest tiny meow in reply. Scientists would tell me I’m an idiot, but I’m certain that little meow was an apology.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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35 Responses to DG Also Stands for “Dubious Ginsu”

  1. K. says:

    Holy jeebus! That is one hell of a cut!
    I do agree that DG is sincerely sorry. You can't hold it against him… and this is coming from someone who does not like cats. At all.

  2. Emmi says:

    OMG!! He even got your thoat? Wow, healing vibes to you Kirk. You might want to get antibiotics just in case, you don't want an infection in that locale. 😦
    Our stray Poe doesn't like the vacuum and I always expect him to charge at my eyeballs claws and teeth first as I start it up.

  3. I-Luv-Eeyore says:

    HOLY FREAKIN COW sweet little DG did all of that damage to you? Are you sure your aren't trying to cover up for Karin?*
    Wow! You should find some vitamin E oil and start applying it often to help reduce scarring. wow…He must have really been scared to do that to you. LOL! Was he running over your face or away from your face?
    Poor scared little kitty. I know that his 'mew' was an apology…I just know it.
    *Just joking!

  4. Laurie says:

    Zowie! I hate to agree with you but yeah, that lip one looks like it might scar. Do tell, what was your orientation to DG when he got startled?

  5. ouch! I know how you feel I have had my own run-in with furry paw's claws when they were startled. I was lucky that one of the scratches actually missed my eyeball. (it was so close that it actually hurt to blink for a while)I am sure that DG was apologizing with the little meowdo take care of those wounds – plenty of triple antibiotic ointment for the initial wound and vitamin E oil or cream later to reduce scaring

  6. Toe-Knee says:

    Your cat looks about as big as mine. Face scratches aren't cool, though you could say you got them jumping through a window while fending off ninja assassins. That's pretty much the only perk I can think of though.

  7. RG says:

    Whoa, dude…that's, uh…wow! Who knew cats could cause so much damage.

  8. G says:

    hahahahah man this post cracked me up.Firstly because I think we can all officially agree now Kirk that you got your ass kicked by a pussy and that is just funny 🙂

  9. IG says:

    Oh my god, Kirk. That looks painful. Yikes.

  10. Lurkertype says:

    Ow ow ow!HRTortie got me on the chest a couple weeks ago, but this is much worse.I agree, along with the neosporin, squeeze vitamin E capsules on the scratches, esp. that one on your lip.Poor Deej. I'm sure he felt bad about scratching Daddy once he got over his startle.I'm wondering why we all can't learn "when the cat freaks out, let it go."

  11. Kzinti says:

    It looks more like Edward Scissorhands with the DTs was trying to shave you…
    Holy fuckballs. That's what you get for lopping off his harbls…

  12. Kirk says:

    "Do tell, what was your orientation to DG when he got startled?" I'm glad you asked. Let's clear the air so G can get some sleep.You'll recall the story of how DG got his name and how part of that story included me having to, among other things, help him go poo-poo. He used to play with my face as I rubbed his tum. He's now three years old and to this day, when I pick him up and cradle him (as I am in the above photo) and rub his tummy, he regresses and gets all relaxed and starts kneading the air with his front paws. It's too cute for words. It's enough to make the softer folks cry.That's what was going on when the Terror of a Thousand Talons began. DG was in his four-weeks-old state of mind and I was holding him right next to my face. Loud noise and he's tearing into me before he's even back in 2009.Here's my perspective: Having been shirtless at the time, I'm just glad he didn't get a nipple.

  13. Dancing Bear says:

    Yipes. That is why our kitties (except Zola) remain on the floor and only get pats when they are asked for. Lolo is feral and Millie is jutch a meanie. Zola on the other hand can never have enough.
    Fresh pinapple on the lip will also help with scarring. The enzymes break down the scar forming tissue plus since it will be right by your mouth it tastes way better than neo-sporin.
    I would hate to lose a nip also.

  14. Brown Suga' says:

    Yeow! The lip one looks nasty. Feel better soon.Oh, Deej, you silly kitty.

  15. Kevin Wolf says:

    The two cats in this house are de-clawed, and there are conflicting ideas about that procedure, but trust me, they are both such spazzes that it's probably in everybody's best interest for them not to have weapons.

  16. G says:

    hahahahaha man, I'm sorry for your pain, but this is still funny.
    If it makes you feel any better it's probably due to all the martial arts. Whenever i get injured in training the spontaneous reflex is to laugh (mostly at how painful/stupid the situation is)

  17. grrrace says:

    holy crap!!! ouch!but… can you tell people you got into a fight defending someone from some muggers or something? hehe. :)man. that looks painful. but your kitty looks so sweet in that picture… 😛

  18. MoonCat says:

    Sympathy! My beloved black cat once jumped on my face while I was sleeping. He's de-clawed (not my idea, he came to me that way). He was just trying to get up on the bed and didn't clearly see my face. He nailed me right in the eye with his back claws. I had a baby shiner the next morning. He too, was quite appologetic and hovered around me until he was sure I was okay. Never jumped on the bed from that end again either…lol

  19. Kirk says:

    "…but your kitty looks so sweet in that picture…" I know, huh? He looks all, "Are you going to believe this liar? Do I look like a thug who cuts people? His dumb ass fell in some sticker bushes or something."

  20. Kirk says:

    "The two cats in this house are de-clawed, and there are conflicting ideas about that procedure…"For the record, I know it's a sensitive subject to many people, but I don't judge. Diblet needed some claws removed and while I wished I learned a bit more about the different methods used before I had it done, I can tell that he experiences no discomfort in those places.

  21. Kirk says:

    I wasn't laughing at the time, but I can now. 🙂

  22. jaypo says:

    Ow ow ow. I can only second the advice that you may want to get it checked out by an md. Cat scratch fever and all. FYI.

  23. YIKES! Please be careful!

  24. Bookmole says:

    Ouch, that has got to hurt! Poor DG. Poor you too! Here's wishing non-scarring and quick healing.

  25. Emmi says:

    I'll pretty much leave the declawing thing alone, but for people who declaw to protect their families I ask them one question: so when are you going to have your cat's teeth removed?

  26. Jenn says:


  27. Kirk says:

    "…when are you going to have your cat's teeth removed?" Good point. DG's mom, Lucky, can bite right through you. She's scary.The main reason I leave all my cats' (healthy) claws in tact is just in case they happen to get outside. I want them to have a fighting chance until they make it back in the house.Fortunately, Lucky has been the only cat to have the desire, much less the tenacity to find a way out.

  28. spooktastic says:

    one of our cats attacked me once during an unwelcome bath (for her). I ended up with Cat Scratch Disease, otherwise known as Cat Scratch Fever a la Mr. Nugent. My lymphnode in my throat swelled up to the size of a small orange. and i was on antibiotics to heal it. not fun. watch your nodes in your throat. since that is where the majority of the attack happened. and i am very sure that dg is sorry and would hate for you to suffer from Cat Scratch Disease. Feel better!

  29. Emmi says:

    Yeah, and owners are often sad to find out that declawed cats sometimes stop using the litterbox after the procedure.
    In vet clinics we also saw young declawed cats with advanced arthritis because they end up doing something called "knuckle walking", 😦

  30. little miao says:

    ow! I hope it heals quickly. *miao purrs*

  31. DJ says:

    Yikes!!! Well, hope it heals quickly. Ugh. DJ has grown into a huge kitteh!

  32. Budd says:

    that pick has Icanhascheeseburger all over it. caption it with "I told him cheeseburger."

  33. Kirk says:

    "In the end, DG's originally offered terms of 'gladly paying Tuesday' were unequivocally accepted."

  34. Lurkertype says:

    "wut part uv 'cheezburger' din't u unnerstan?"Or simply "I said CHEEZBURGER!"

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