Countdown to Relapse (and other stories)

Some things are weighing heavy on my brain. Maybe they’ll climb down off me and stop jamming their stabby fingers through my skull if I expose them to the world by pointing to them and screaming like a recently castrated banshee.

Thing #1: My health insurance provider has informed me that they have instigated a “lifetime cap” on the meds I take daily to control my disorder. Basically, they’ve unilaterally decided to stop providing the medication I need once it no longer benefits them to do so.

Hum. I wonder why no other businesses get to take monthly payments from people without providing the service paid for. The letter made no mention of lowering my premium accordingly.

If you think I’m off my nut, imagine your thoracic surgeon just walking out of the operating room the moment his profit margin was significantly diminished. The extra time it took to stop the sudden bleeding in your bowel pretty much meant he couldn’t afford to finish the original job, much less suture you shut. Hey, he can’t make a living operating in the red!

Thing #2: My bank, like many financial institutions, saves up any transactions performed over weekend and runs them all through Monday morning. I’ve noticed that, regardless of the date and time of each transaction, they first run withdrawals, starting with the largest and proceeding in order down to the smallest. Then they apply whatever overdraft fees were incurred. They finish up by applying any deposits.

This practice makes it roundly impossible to believe they’re not actively trying to screw me.

The best way I can think of to make their con bite them in the ass is to disallow my money from benefiting them. I don’t make interest on my checking account and there is no minimum balance, so I intend to religiously withdraw my entire paycheck at lunch each payday.

The mason jars buried in my backyard aren’t into deception and divisive grifts. When it comes to matters of money, they’re downright transparent.

Thing #3: DG is doing bad things. I don’t know what has gotten into him – and I didn’t even think he was physically capable of it – but he’s started trying to spray everything in sight. Most of the time nothing comes out, but anyone with cats knows one time is too many.

We do everything we can to make sure the cats are content and comfortable. We filter their drinking water, for crying out loud! We even make regular use of a large spray bottle intimidatingly emblazoned with the words "BAD KITTY!" Nevertheless, the Deej seems intent on making our house smell like onion soup.

For what it's worth, I realized I’d analyzed this problem down to the point of completely losing sight of it when I started considering putting my own pee in the spray bottle.

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