Because They Know What God Meant To Say

What the hell!?

Now, you just know I have some choice words to share about this. Please make yourself comfortable as I proceed to illuminate just how little these Conservapedia nitwits know about the real world. I’ve bashed them before, but their offense then was downright innocuous compared to this mess.

For those of you who can’t visit Conservapedia without donning a Haz-Mat suit, I’m happy to republish their silly content for you here because few things are more fun than cramming Fair Use straight up the collective asses of a bunch of idiot fascists.

Basically, what this self-appointed scripture Gestapo wants to do is alter the Bible so that Jesus doesn’t come off so cotton-picking liberal. Evidently, far-right extremists like Conservapedia founder Andy Schlafly* are made very uncomfortable by Jesus doing things like condemning the rich, turning the other cheek, and forgiving those who crucified him. Those things just don’t jive with their black-and-white, might-makes-right, fright-with-spite mentality. How are they supposed to subjugate the poor, amass enormous wealth and power, suppress all opposing viewpoints and still get though the Pearly Gates if the rulebook for their faith contains messages of love and compassion and warnings against the woes of material greed and unchecked hubris? Action must be taken!

Their solution is to go in and “fix” God’s word.

Thing is, just by suggesting this project, they’ve created a massive contradiction that reveals the inherent guile of their intentions while fully obliterating any cogency of their their so-called religious beliefs.

See, as ironic as it is, the Bible wasn’t always a book. It’s second half, for example, started out as oral recitations composed and continually repeated by Christ’s disciples. Generations later, those recitations were committed to paper by men who never actually met their Messiah. Then, over the span of a couple thousand years, these writings were translated a gajillion times by people of dramatically variant levels of intelligence, bias, and mastery of ancient Greek.

As a kid growing up in a Christian household, I often wondered how anything written in the Bible could convey an idea that was even remotely similar to its original meaning. Considering that the phrase “typically nasty weather” becomes “tickle your ass with a feather” by the time it’s reached its twelfth set of ears, the very idea the Bible had any validity seemed impossible to me.

Then my mother explained to me that the reason the Bible was not subject to the errors of men was because God was all-powerful and would not allow it. She told me that the Bible was “the eternal and unerring word of God” and that I ought to avoid doubting the Lord. That satisfied me for many years. I have since come to find it is the go-to response to the Bible translation question.

Until now, that is.

What is so beautiful about the Conservative Bible Project is that it is based on the assumption that God is a fuck-up – that he is incapable of keeping us silly humans from bastardizing his Word. The defining statement of their mission is that “Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations.”

Another way they could have said this is: “The single biggest problem with the Bible is that God has been unable to keep man from distorting it.”

So right off the bat, they admit their God is a failure. He can’t even stop us from putting words in his mouth, for crying out loud!

Too easy? Fine. We can go deeper. Let’s assume that Satan was cleverer than God gave him credit for (a lesser offense on God’s part, if still indicative of imperfection). We’ll say for the sake of argument it’s the devil’s fault there are “liberal” translations of the Good Book and that some remarkable Christian needs to step up and defend the integrity of his Savior’s conservative intentions.

 What qualifications, I wonder, does Mr. Schlafly have in translating ancient Greek texts and how many of the original scriptures has he personally studied at length? Does he have any renowned Bible scholars on his team? Can he readily see the glaring flaw in the logic employed by Thomas Aquinas to prove God? What is his IQ? (If that last question seems unfair, consider that he wants to call the Holy Spirit the “Holy Force”. o_O Bothered by this Yoda is… distresses him, it does!)

Hell, does he even know how long a cubit is and, if so, just how important does he consider that data to be? I have to ask because, from the standpoint of having to contain two of every single living thing for water transport, one would hope the Bible’s definition of a cubit would be a liberal one.

There’s no shortage of lunacy in Schlafly’s project to keep me going for a while. I could go off on how anti-intellectual it is to get rid of holy names like Yahweh and Jehovah or how revealing of their hypocrisy it is that they want to remove passages such as the one wherein Jesus tells a crowd to “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” at a suspected adulteress. I could tear apart the idea of hell as a direct contradiction to freewill or simply point out how Conservapedia denizens are so stupid and confused the notation “disfavored here” had to be added next to their link to their own Feminist Bible page.

But, the thing is I have a project of my own in the works I need to get back to. I’m currently in the process of fixing all the silly conservative rhetoric in Gray’s Anatomy. I personally think it’s time we gave things like tapeworms and corsets and lead makeup another chance.

*Andy Schlafly is the son of Phyllis Schlafly, a failed politician who did her hypocritical best in the 70s to stop the ERA even as she enjoyed a lofty career as an attorney.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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18 Responses to Because They Know What God Meant To Say

  1. Lauri says:

    Oh yeah. This just nails it for me. No one can tell me that the Bible hasn't been f*cked with all throughout history. Whenever I have discussed this possibility I get "oh no, it's God's word, it's never changing". Ha! Here's my modern day proof. What a complete asswipe that guy (and his mother, no wonder) is!!!

  2. Natural rights are those rights and privilege that can not be granted nor denied by the state. Beginning with the god Yaweh who taught his followers that man had a right to the fruits of their own labor. Not the king or religious leaders. From the liberal philosophy of Jesus to Loke and Jefferson these ideas have been more refined. I could not read your reference. This comment may be totally off subject. If so…delete it.

  3. AmyH says:

    I found myself on the Conservative Bible Page a few days ago. I had to look away. This stuff drives me crazy. The Bible was written by humans for humans. What these people are doing is driving home the assumption that God is dead and what's in writing is all there is and ever shall be. A primitive people over 2,000 years ago and beyond had it all figured out and we should just take what they thought to be true and stick with it. That's not what I learn in church. I learn that God is still here, still speaking and we interpret his word daily for what it means to us. But I'm a liberal and my church is, too.Stuff like this gives the rest of us a bad name.

  4. Kirk says:

    "Stuff like this gives the rest of us a bad name" Fortunately it appears most Christians agree with you. This appears to be fringe lunacy. Still, I gotta smack it down.

  5. Lauri says:

    As I have said repeatedly, I wish I could go to your church, Amy. Oh, I know I could search more diligently here, but as for now I am happy not going and avoiding the trauma. :PIt's sad that so many people have gotten so far off the track of "love" and "truth" and caring for each other. It's really quite simple if they just listened to what Jesus was trying to say!

  6. Lurkertype says:

    I like how 3 and 10 contradict each other.

  7. Kirk says:

    "This comment may be totally off subject. If so…delete it." I'm not sure if it's off topic or not because your point sort of eludes me. I sense it's a pithy defense of a rich person's right to love both God and money, but I'd hate to assume that and be wrong.Why couldn't you read my reference? If the text is too small, you can click the image to see it larger. Just keep clicking it until it fills your browser. Or click here and get it straight from the horse's mouth.

  8. No it is a rejection of "“liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations.” and "how are they supposed to subjugate the poor, amass enormous wealth and power, suppress all opposing viewpoints" as being liberal…but very un-liberal. Again I'm not sure but I think it agrees more with with your crital analysis of whay is being stated. Lauri possibly makes the point more simple and to the point.

  9. Kzinti says:

    Wow. the discussions we could have over a couple of Creme Sodas and some Doritos… LOL

  10. ken says:

    this is great,now you know how i feel about wikipedia……………

  11. Kirk says:

    Do you really prefer one-sided rhetoric over substantiated information?The difference between Wikipedia and Conservapedia is that Wiki frowns upon bias and requires footnoted references to back up any "facts". Violations might be left in, but they are at least pointed out directly by a warning at the top of the page in question. By way of contrast, the very name "Conservapedia" indicates a definite and unapologetic bias (not that six seconds on any one of their pages wouldn't make the fact painfully clear).

  12. Kirk says:

    "Wow. the discussions we could have over a couple of Creme Sodas and some Doritos… LOL"Kzinti, have you ever heard Ron White's joke about sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Chee-Tos? Just curious, because I need to share it with you if you haven't.And what kind of Doritos? Because everyone knows Mountain Dew is the proper compliment to the Nacho Cheese flavored ones. Creme Soda really only works with Cool Ranch. ;-P

  13. ken says:

    conservapedia is in alot of ways a protest site,that wikipedia gives so much to protest is why they exist,wiki,has finnaly been shown to be edited by groups like move on and other socailst front groups.

  14. Kirk says:

    "I like how 3 and 10 contradict each other." I know, huh? It's like they're saying "Dumb it down, but try to make it look like you didn't." I cracked up. I mean, if they're so easily confused by things like double negatives (which are regularly used to great effectiveness by skilled writers), where does their condescending arrogance come from? I must assume anyone who is an expert in translating ancient Greek to English has a working knowledge of common literary devices, so I can't help but feel like Schlafly and his brood are (to put it kindly) unqualified.

  15. Kirk says:

    You're right about certain groups messing with Wiki entries to steer opinion, manipulate data, ect. But Wiki also makes its edit records public and, I must reiterate, requires corroboration of "factual" statements through the inclusion of linked footnotes."…conservapedia is in alot of ways a protest site, that wikipedia gives so much to protest is why they exist…"Yeah, people hate it when a website starts presenting verified scientific facts that directly contradict the superstitious prejudices they've built their entire lives (and afterlives) on. They hate it so much they start a protest site to keep their base frightened so their adamant exclusivity remains as solid as ever.Of course, the moment someone shows how they're a bunch of batshit lunatics, they just fall back on the whole thing being the divisive plot of evil liberals:"I have to add that the jury is still out as to whether Conservapedia… is an authentic
    conservative phenomenon, or a parody along the lines of The Colbert

  16. Mister Major says:

    Maybe Joel Osteen can write the foreword. Given adequate financial inspiration, of course.

  17. Kirk says:

    "Maybe Lot's wife will be turned into a pillar of Splenda."And what about Job? Poor guy was heinously tortured just so God could impress Satan. I'm curious to see just how cleverly they can pretty up Job's boils and destitution and slain children.

  18. Mister Major says:

    His hedge fund doesn't do so well.

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