Bill Needs Medical Attention (But Doesn’t Deserve It)

Dear U.S. Senators,

When you have allowed months of torture and rape to utterly disfigure and destroy someone, the only sensible and humane thing to do is to take that person out somewhere secluded and shoot them in the back of the head.

Since you’ve essentially allowed this healthcare bill to endure the very atrocities I’ve described, it is my sincere hope you will have enough integrity left in you to consign it to the same fate. Executions are seldom easy, but considering the jaw-dropping debauchery to which you’ve relentlessly subjected this bill, such paradoxical mercy is the only way I see for you to even look in the general direction of redemption. Poor old “Healthcare” Bill was once our friend, but now he desperately wails in anguish, pleading for final respite from the blind, relentless assault of Lieberman’s tiny but deceptively powerful political penis.

Our friend wanted to give us a Public Option so that even the poorest Americans could get necessary medical attention. You laughed in his face.

Our friend believed a Single-Payer system was another way we could get healthcare to the less fortunate and was shouted down for that, as well.

Our friend wanted to fix Medicare Part D so that drugs were acquired at a reasonable price and beneficiaries didn’t fall into the infamous, medicine-revoking “Donut Hole”. In response to that one, you simply farted (although, to your credit, you did lift your leg beforehand so the gesture wasn’t lost on anyone).

In short, our friend’s overall goal was to HELP THE AMERICAN POOR. And you had a serious problem with that.

It’s a noble goal – aiding the poor – and one that is right in line with the teachings of every major religion, including the one this country so openly embraces (despite Constitutional insistence it doesn’t). But how did you react to such Christian kindness? You got all coy and then suddenly goal-kicked poor Bill in the nuts by adding a mandate that everyone purchase healthcare from private companies.

So kill it. Kill it until it’s good and dead and literally nothing of it remains. Better to have no healthcare reform at all (for now) than to have a panty-waste bill with ruptured testicles limping through American history as a permanent false testament to how the poor and weak simply don’t deserve access to medical care.

You know what you must do. If it helps, think about it this way: if all of you vote it out, then killing our friend Bill will be more like a firing squad execution than a cold-blooded murder. And isn’t that how you politicos sleep at night – by reframing the untenable things so they can be better blamed on someone else?

Oh, and Mr. President,  your recent rhetoric surrounding this bill worries me. You seem to be hedging. I have no doubt you recall making it unequivocally clear when you debated Hilary Clinton last January that you are deadset against an individual mandate, so I'm looking to you to keep your promise to veto this bill if it comes across your desk containing that clause.


Kirk Starr
Your Employer

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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10 Responses to Bill Needs Medical Attention (But Doesn’t Deserve It)

  1. Emmi says:

    Great post. I've written to Obama and I made it abundantly clear that I wouldn't be voting for him again if he didn't start doing what he was hired to do. The public option seemed only marginally promising but the single payer option is worth ditching the whole effort and starting over for.
    I hope you post this to my health care groups. You should be able to join, I sent you at least one invite.

  2. Kirk says:

    "I've written to Obama and I made it abundantly clear that I wouldn't be voting for him again if he didn't start doing what he was hired to do…"Of course, the rub there is that you must then vote for someone else or not at all, both of which invariably mean you're aiding the republican candidate. And what if they're foolish enough to hand that slot to Sarah the Airhead in 2012? o_O"I hope you post this to my health care groups. You should be able to join, I sent you at least one invite."I absolutely suck at groups, so please don't take it personally. 🙂 I'll check my mail for your invite.

  3. Kirk says:

    "…he's just a bill…" …yeah, he's only a bill, gettin' sodomized on Capitol hill…

  4. Mister Major says:

    I often ask myself wtf's going on down in the rat's maze we call our capitol. It's all fraud, if you ask me.

  5. Emmi says:

    True if this were 2012, after the primaries, but it's not. I like Kuchinich personally. Assuming Obama has any competition, he can't assume the Dems will want him as their candidate agains. And for all Obama knows, I am someone who's willing to vote Repub (which I'm not). The point is to write letters. It works.
    No worries about the group, feel free to join either way.

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