C is for Cookie (and Caustic and Calamity and Carpet Cleaning)

When a person has a heart attack at, say, 49 years of age, the natural inclination is to take a long, critical look at their personal healthcare habits.

Sadly, most people wind up faithfully sticking with (or eventually going back to) their Big Mac and Budweiser diet, reasoning kidding themselves that, statistically speaking, one heart attack in 49 years means they can live to be 98 before they have to worry about another one. And I love that, because it’s one of the last remaining vestiges of true Natural Selection that still exists in the modern world.

But some people today are evolved enough to take the life-threatening infarction for exactly what it is: a warning that the time has come to drastically alter certain aspects of their lifestyle; a red flag with the words “you ‘bout to die, fatso” emblazoned across it.

A “health kick” often ensues then, bringing with it the very high likelihood the person will feel it their responsibility to make ever-sure no one ever has another heart attack ever again, ever. Ever!

An indirect and surprisingly unanticipated result of this, taking an example my own recent experience, might be a nice plate of home-baked oatmeal cookies shared with the rest of the office by the newly health-conscious coworker.

“Oatmeal cookies are actually GREAT for the heart…” he says as you bite off half a cookie and start chewing.

“…but only when they’re made with olive oil,” he concludes just as your synapses have finished translating the alarm signals emitting furiously from your taste buds.

As you cup your hands to your mouth and run hunched-over for the lavatory, flecks of spit and cookie spraying sideways from your contorted face, it occurs to you that any small favors your coworker thought he did for your heart will be more than canceled-out by the violent assault about to be imposed on your stomach lining.

Hey, health nuts! I appreciate your zest for life and obvious ability to learn from your past. I really do. But the next time one of you feeds me a baked good made with olive oil, I’m not even going to bother scrambling to find a vessel to catch my vomit. I’m just going let the liquid pastry fly right back to its maker. I wager that’ll keep you from ever pulling your veiled superiority horseshit on anyone ever again!

I need a mint.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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15 Responses to C is for Cookie (and Caustic and Calamity and Carpet Cleaning)

  1. ROFL!!! I laughed out loud while reading your post. Oh my, yes, the "healthy" offerings of the "whole-wheat" minded. Oh, that just makes me laugh. I once took a class in Healthy Cooking (what was I thinking?) and the stuff they served for dessert was the nastiest stuff I have ever tasted!! I do like whole wheat so I was only kidding about that moniker but we figure, when making a cookie, might as well go with all the unhealthy ingredients because it will taste so much better! I suppose a "Reformed Foodie" can be as obnoxious as a "Reformed Smoker," although I don't smoke, I have heard smokers complain that reformed smokers are the worst about complaining about the smoke. I suppose reformed foodies are the same way….."Let me share my healthy "olive-oil laden" cookies with you so you can be healthy tooooo!!!!" Thanks for making me laugh!!!

  2. Heart disease is rampant in my family. So we eat heart-healthy. But my kid is a teenager, so if it doesn't taste good, it's not going to get eaten. Rule 1: Must taste good. Rule 2: Must be reasonably healthy for him. Rule 3: Occasionally break Rule #2Some things are an acquired taste. But seriously… there are other oils besides olive that are okay for your heart that don't have so much flavor, and would be better suited to baking. Don't blame the food, blame the cook who doesn't know what they are doing. Yuck!

  3. Kirk says:

    Don't blame the food, blame the cook who doesn't know what they are doing.Totally. My whole problem was with not being told about the oil before I took a bite. Disclosure is important if you don't want to be puked on.I knew if anyone could make a tasty heart-healthy cookie it would be you, GB. But then, you'd also inform people ahead of time it wasn't made with copious amounts of butter, thereby sparing yourself the bile-bath. 😛

  4. Kirk says:

    "I suppose a 'Reformed Foodie' can be as obnoxious as a 'Reformed Smoker…'" But not quite. 🙂 I think reformed smokers get their attitude from the notion that other peoples' smoking affects them (whereas I can eat junk food all day without anyone else having heart problems from it).Thing is, it's an ignorant attitude to take, since the emissions of diesel trucks and commuter buses is far more damaging to their lungs than a whiff of cigarette smoke crossing their nostrils.It would be nice of the concern was genuine, but I always feel like it always boils down to "if I can quit it, why can't you?"That said, I'm gonna go get a Big Mac…

  5. Kirk says:

    Forgot to mention…"I do like whole wheat…" Me too! I never got to have white bread as a kid, so whole wheat is no big deal to me. Of course, now I look for whole "grain" as opposed to whole "wheat".

  6. YGRS says:

    hello Kirk!hey YOU didn't have a heart attack, did you???

  7. I find it quite amazing that my children, when we visit in-laws, go crazy over white bread and margarine, as if it is delicious. I suppose that is because we buy whole wheat bread and butter. But I don't understand how they could possibly think that margarine tastes good. I suppose "the grass is always greener" although in this case, I just have to shake my head! Imagine my shock, upon my first visit to my in-laws, when they pulled out white bread, Miracle Whip, some kind of sandwich meat with funny looking stuff in it (pimento loaf maybe?)….I don't think I ate much at all that week!

  8. Jenn says:

    *muah*That's all.:)

  9. Lurkertype says:

    Olive oil is good.But it is NOT for cookies.

  10. I grew up on health food (which is ironic, because I'm fat) and when I moved out, I bought all that stuff like wonder bread, funky margarine, etc….And promptly decided it was all gross and went back to what I grew up with a few months afterwards. ;)BUT.. my best friend in middle school… her family was HARDCORE "healthy" and "organic" (as much as one could be in the 80's) and she used to come over to my house and eat spoonfuls of straight sugar like it was a drug.gotta find a middle road to follow when kids are involved. Which is why I occassionally make and buy "bad" stuff for my kid. I don't want him to be like my best friend who used to come over for sugar fixes… that was just wrong in my eyes…. Moderation.

  11. You are so right. When we tried to be totally healthy, we about all gagged. Then we swung back the other way. Now we are middle of the road and that seems to work well. We cannot afford to buy organic. I imagine my health might be improved if we could. But our kids get a mixture…healthy as well as fun stuff. I have a bit of a sweet tooth so we all like ice cream and desserts some times 🙂

  12. gt says:

    Sounds like my mom chasing after you every inch analyzing the food you eat, your hair, clothes, the way you walk and sit, etc…

  13. Kzinti says:

    You can make cookies without butter? No way… Dude, my cholesterol is low, for a fat man like myself. People just can't understand / fathom that it's because I eat too much good stuff and not just eat all the wrong things. So, while I can occasionally sit down and eat a half a stick of butter with a meal and personally not worry about arterial cloggage, others just stare in slack jawed amazement. Margarine? Eh, go grease the wagon axles with it, M'kay?
    It's a tough road to go down losing weight, since our expectations are immediate results, never mind the fact that we put the weight on over several years time. Ah well. To diet is to lose before you begin. If you have to name eating properly in proper portions with that term, you'll never get there. Small changes that become permanent habit are the best way. Slow and steady wins the health race. Hope your office friend learns about tasty heart healthy oil choices.

  14. Lorelei says:

    "As you cup your hands to your mouth and run hunched-over for the lavatory, flecks of spit and cookie spraying sideways from your contorted face…"
    I'm sorry. I laughed. I laughed so hard I may have pulled something – and I can't seem to stop laughing because I can see this so clearly in the movie theater in my mind.
    Re: healthy foods. Should I get the recipe for this cookie bar thing that was 1) surprisingly delicious and 2) surprisingly healthy and 3) has surprise prunes in it*

    * the prunes really took me by surprise. I was hunched over the toilet and furiously texting said friend about why the fuck these cookies were hurting me and he says 'oh. it's the prunes'. Fuck you dude.

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