Smells Better Than Teen Spirit (probably)

When someone is making reference to the Old Ones – particularly Great Cthulhu – it is notably uncommon for the word “love” (or even one of its remotest synonyms) to be used. Indeed, the emotion we call love is as confounding to Cthulhu as his beloved non-Euclidean geometry is to us. Yes, I honestly believe experiencing love as we know it would drive old squid-face quite insane.


And yet, we have this.

Cthulhu in Love Perfume

The scent is intoxicating, described by its creators as "an amorphous mix of oppressive, piceous ritual incense, macerated kelp, sea salt, sticky dark ocean plants, and . . . mixed chocolates."

Something is direly amiss here. The stuff is marketed as an amour-inducing aromatic preparation, but right there in the description is a clue to its malevolence. They could have chosen to describe the incense they used as “pitch black” or “sticky and combustible” but they chose the word “piceous”. It seems pretty obvious to me they did this because they knew people would immediately assume the word was a typo for “piscine” and just blow right past it without a second thought. They may have momentarily considered the odds of some random English major like me stumbling across the ad, but then realized they were wasting precious seconds thinking about English majors and rapidly moved on to designing the packaging.

The word “macerated” doesn’t have anything to do with mackerel, either, by the way. Macerating something is the act of boiling the hell out of it until it is broken down to its most basic components. It’s what my mom used to do to okra to give it that perfectly snot-like quality. And just as black sap is not a suitable ingredient for perfume, substances that resemble mucus in texture are also less than desirable.

Of course, living in Seattle, I can acquire a personal scent that is probably very close to this “perfume” simply by taking a walk.

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About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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11 Responses to Smells Better Than Teen Spirit (probably)

  1. YGRS says:

    eww…i don't want to smell EITHER of those 2 things. . . &:oS

  2. Laurie says:

    Macerated is also the word used for soaking dried fruit in rum for ages to make Christmas pudding.

  3. Lurkertype says:

    Or similar uses of liquored-up fruit. Dessert noms.

  4. lizzy says:

    ah but kirk, you have just stumbled upon a product from my favorite perfume company and they have a whole line dedicated to the Old Ones: http://www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com/arkham.html

  5. Lurkertype says:

    I told Kirk about this company months ago, but apparently the Great One removed this knowledge from his brain.

  6. lizzy says:

    lol ooh the powers they wield!

  7. Kirk says:

    You what's funny? Karin showed me two Cthulhu-related items at ThinkGeek yesterday and I only recalled seeing one of them (a felt Xmas tree ornament).Then last night, as I writhed in deep but non-restful slumber, I had was shown a dark room with a desk. At the desk was seated a middle-aged man whose face was lit up by the computer monitor into which he stared. He appeared to be pouring over something he had just written. He was suddenly called away by some unknown voice and my dreamy POV instantly shifted to the glowing screen……there were jokes there……one was definitely about okra……I awoke just as I was coming to a realization that made me feel quite silly……the realization that DG sleeping on my legs makes my feet go numb. Well, that and the simultaneous realization I had been previously made aware of this perfume and had actually started writing this same post quite some time ago. I had been called upstairs for dinner. I never went back downstairs that night.My sincerest apologies, LT. For what it's worth, it's entirely possible the Old Ones directed Karin to ThinkGeek for the ulterior purpose of reminding me to finally post this. Perhaps it was actually some benevolent entity that erased it from my mind… maybe I've just helped bring about the Old Ones' malevolent return from the stars!My last name is Starr!!! :O Aaaaaaiiieeeeeeee!I gotta go. Hiding under my bed ain't gonna cut it this time. My work's cut out for me. I'll see ya…

  8. Lurkertype says:

    Truly, the powers of the Old Ones are eldritch, if so far a little weakly used — you'd think they could do better than keeping one guy from blogging about them.

  9. Kirk says:

    Yeah? Hmm, maybe I'm overreacting…

  10. Karin says:

    I think I would go with the Azathoth which is described as…Azathoth
    is the blind, idiot god who sits on a black throne at the center of
    Chaos. His scent is high-pitched and screeching, both impenetrably dark
    and searingly bright with the clarity of madness: tangerine, saffron,
    vetiver, black amber and cedarwood.

  11. lizzy says:

    i haven't tried that one yet but it sounds like it smells wonderful, you know… go for it, karin! 😉

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