You’re Twisting My Words! I Never Said I Beat My Wife!

Being middle-aged and mortal, Karin and I are accordingly experiencing the invisible thumb of entropy upon our various body parts. Joints are popping. Muscles are tearing. Ligaments ache and bones break. And, of course, there are those bizarre, paralyzing pains that suddenly stab through some remote section of your torso for no apparent reason whatsoever. What the hell are those?

The Theater of Pain’s current main feature is in its third week and has been the same for both of us: an acute locking of the shoulder and lower neck muscles combined with a healthy infusion of deep-tissue soreness. Karin has had it worse of than I have. I gave her a heating pad, attempted various styles of massage, but I knew she’d finally reached the end of her patience with the white-hot twinges and spasms when she asked me to get her largest wooden rolling pin and try working out the knotted muscles with that.

I laid the rolling pin just where her neck meets her shoulder and started gently rolling up and down.

“How’s that feel?”


“OK, like this?”


“Really? Alright, then. If you’re sure. How about now?”


“I’m pushing pretty hard, babe. This could bruise very eas—.”


It sounded to me like if she had to say it one more time, I could expect that deep, layered demon voice you hear in the movies. So I stood up to get a really good lean on it.

Worked like a charm. Karin said it was incredible how much better her neck and shoulders felt.

Of course, as I am apt to do, I started in with the jokes: “Yeah, had to take a rolling pin to the wife last night. She was really asking for it. Found out just how much she could take, too. She even thanked me for it afterwards. Said it actually made her feel better. I guess some chicks just get into the rough stuff.”


About kirkstarr

I draw pictures for a living.
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8 Responses to You’re Twisting My Words! I Never Said I Beat My Wife!

  1. xeyli says:

    I give great massages. I just can’t last very long… 20 minutes is probably my max.

  2. DJ says:

    Ha ha! A rolling pin, eh? I may have to give it a try…

  3. Kzinti says:

    I used to do sheet metal work and after all that time working tin snips, I had this massively strong grip. I would literally knead my wife and she would be like so much wifely putty in my hands. I swear that at times she was actually purring. LOL

  4. redmosquito5 says:

    i should let my wife take a rolling pin to me, see how that would work. Her elbow works well, but just in one spot. Hmmmm

  5. lurkertype says:

    Never considered a rolling pin, though somewhere I have a roll-y wheeled massager thing.

    Say hi to Deej for me!

  6. lizzy says:

    oooh what a brilliant idea!
    *looks for hubby and the rolling pin*

  7. doranyc says:

    Yikes! You guys might need a new mattress or something… Tempur-pedic or something. Rolling pin therapy sounds like a nice relief for now, though. 🙂

  8. paikea says:

    having a giggle at the tags to this post:)

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